No no…I’m not qualified to lecture on going green or organic, this is something entirely different.
For the last week or so, in the mornings as we’ve left, the Cave Troll has gone to the bed with the rose-bushes in it and written a soap opera about snails.
“See mom…that snail is sleeping, and that one’s awake. And that one’s not dead. And that one’s a baby snail, and that one’s a mama snail and that that one’s moving. See mom, he’s moving?”
“Uhm hum…let’s get into the car.”
“See, mom, he’s moving…I like him moving. Is he going to visit the other snails?”
“Uhm hum…c’mon…let’s get into the car.”
“Can we get flowers! Let’s get flowers! I love flowers. The snails love the flowers! Can we bring flowers to the babysitter!”
“Uhm hum…let’s bring flowers to the babysitter…but first get into the *&^%car!”
And there I was, wrestling a giant rose of the bush when…
Crack. Crinkle. Squdge.
Aw shit. AWWWWWW shit. I just killed my kids pet snail.
I got into the car with the damned flower.
“Mom…did you squish my snail?”
My kid’s not an idiot–he saw where I was stepping. But I am a coward, and I answer like one.
“Nope…snail’s fine…trust mama, snail’s all good. He was sleeping!”
And all day long, I”m thinking, “O gods, I’m toast. He’s a smart kid–he’s been checking in on those damned snails for a WEEK. He’ll go back to that spot tomorrow and see all the little snail shards and I’ll be BUSTED!!!”
And this morning, sure enough, he goes running outside and starts talking to the snails. “And there’s a mama snail, and a baby snail and a daddy snail…and that one’s moving, and that one’s asleep…wake up snail, wake up!”
I go over and look with him. And sure enough, there’s three more snails to take the place of the one I squished. Because, like, dudes, I suck as a gardener, and haven’t put out snail bait in years…our yard is like a snail safe zone, and the aphids and dandelions don’t do badly either.
For once, I couldn’t be happier that I totally suck as a homeowner–go mama! In fact, Go Mama Snail!
I finally get it. Pesticide really is evil, and snails have the right to live, same as everybody else. Really, anything that keeps my kid from pointing at me and screaming “LIAR!” like Carol Kane in the Princess Bride is not a bad thing at all, now is it.
