A crime of hidden pesticide

No no…I’m not qualified to lecture on going green or organic, this is something entirely different.

For the last week or so, in the mornings as we’ve left, the Cave Troll has gone to the bed with the rose-bushes in it and written a soap opera about snails.

“See mom…that snail is sleeping, and that one’s awake. And that one’s not dead. And that one’s a baby snail, and that one’s a mama snail and that that one’s moving. See mom, he’s moving?”

“Uhm hum…let’s get into the car.”

“See, mom, he’s moving…I like him moving. Is he going to visit the other snails?”

“Uhm hum…c’mon…let’s get into the car.”

“Can we get flowers! Let’s get flowers! I love flowers. The snails love the flowers! Can we bring flowers to the babysitter!”

“Uhm hum…let’s bring flowers to the babysitter…but first get into the *&^%car!”

And there I was, wrestling a giant rose of the bush when…

Crack. Crinkle. Squdge.

Aw shit. AWWWWWW shit. I just killed my kids pet snail.

I got into the car with the damned flower.

“Mom…did you squish my snail?”

My kid’s not an idiot–he saw where I was stepping. But I am a coward, and I answer like one.

“Nope…snail’s fine…trust mama, snail’s all good. He was sleeping!”

And all day long, I”m thinking, “O gods, I’m toast. He’s a smart kid–he’s been checking in on those damned snails for a WEEK. He’ll go back to that spot tomorrow and see all the little snail shards and I’ll be BUSTED!!!”

And this morning, sure enough, he goes running outside and starts talking to the snails. “And there’s a mama snail, and a baby snail and a daddy snail…and that one’s moving, and that one’s asleep…wake up snail, wake up!”

I go over and look with him. And sure enough, there’s three more snails to take the place of the one I squished. Because, like, dudes, I suck as a gardener, and haven’t put out snail bait in years…our yard is like a snail safe zone, and the aphids and dandelions don’t do badly either.

For once, I couldn’t be happier that I totally suck as a homeowner–go mama! In fact, Go Mama Snail!

I finally get it. Pesticide really is evil, and snails have the right to live, same as everybody else. Really, anything that keeps my kid from pointing at me and screaming “LIAR!” like Carol Kane in the Princess Bride is not a bad thing at all, now is it.

0 thoughts on “A crime of hidden pesticide”

  1. Catie says:

    I love that scene in the Princess Bride, I think it might be my favorite one in the whole movie. I agree with you, avoiding that scene in real life is a good thing. I love how Cave Troll is interested in the snails and makes up a story about the family. I used to do the same thing with toy cars and marbles. After that my parents gave up on giving me non traditional toys – all I wanted to do was play house with all of them… Does Ladybug show any interest in Cave Troll’s snails?

  2. Donna Lee says:

    Organic gardeners that we are, we don’t use pesticides either. One year we planted the whole front yard with buckwheat in an effort to naturally feed our soil. The neighbors all watched as these strange green plants (much taller than grass) starting to grow where everyone else had lawn. Then when we tilled it all under, they were sure that we were crazy. We still don’t have a perfect lawn, never will. I can’t stand the smell of the chemicals and the thought that a child might get sick from playing on my grass is unacceptable. And what else are lawns for if not for playing on? (My father would faint dead away if he heard me say that. NO ONE ever stepped on his lawn)

  3. Galad says:

    Too bad the Cave Troll doesn’t tell stories 🙂 He has such a creative mind. Hmmm – I wonder where he gets that?

    Glad to hear Mama Snail saved the day. I have to admit the image I had of the Cave Troll pointing at you and screaming “LIAR” did make me cringe and giggle all at the same time (probably because Carol Kane’s voice was coming out of his mouth!)

  4. roxie says:

    Has he named them yet? Can he tell one from another? Does he know you can eat them? Oh Ghu! Don’t tell him that people eat snails. Either he’ll cry, or he’ll try.

    Just another delaying tactic on the way to the babysitter’s, Mom. If not snails, then it would be gravel tales or the history of the grass. I hope he can keep that imagination alive for creative writing time.

  5. NeedleTart says:

    I’ve heard that you can send snails to a happy end by putting beer in a cleaned out tuna can and burying it up to the lip. Would CT be upset if you gave his snail family a wee drinkie?

  6. TinkingBell says:

    Phhh! Lawn the green stuff we walk on to get to the fruit trees!!

    I’ve just been throwing all the apples that are infected with codling moth to the horses who live in our back paddock. I suck as a gardener too – but the horses love me!

  7. Louiz says:

    Yay on the fertile snails!

  8. Snails aren’t too bad as pets. Because they’re outdoor pets. We have indoor dusty bunnies.

  9. Em says:

    Just more proof that you’re an excellent Mom–you cared that you smushed your kid’s pet. Sure it’s a snail, but hey, they’re low maintenance Now if you really wanna scar ’em, wait til a pet dies in the winter, tell them you’ll bury it in the spring, then throw it out when they’re not looking because they’re six and have zero attention span. Right, Momolla?

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