A Day in the Life of a Chiwhowhat

I have to pee.  It can wait.

It’s dark in the people cave, and warm and–wait!  The young one just bapped me on the nose.  I should move.

It can wait.

Nooooo!  The big squishy one who brings food is leaving.  She’s going to the white-tiled front lawn, to do her business.  *sigh*  She never lets me watch.  The cat, yes, but me?  Let me try anyway– nope.  That cat is laughing at me.  Asshole.

Okay, she’s out now, good.  Time stopped for a minute.  It was terrible.

And now to the place with the food and the big flat thing.  And the glowing thing.  I don’t like the glowing thing.  She pays way too much attention to that.  Pay attention to me!  Pay attention to me!!!  Pay attention to meeeeeee!

Yes!  Yes!  I’m in her lap, isn’t that awesome?  In her lap!  Let me lick!  Let me nibble!  No licking?  No biting?  Not even behind the ears?  Oh good… behind the ears.  Licking behind the ears.  I like that. Ooops… that was in the ear.  Hey… earwax!  Behind the ears!  Behind the– Oooh!  Down the shirt!

Head first, into the neck, ahhhh… There I am, on the big squishy flesh pillows she carries with her.  Ohmibob!  It’s like they were made for me!  Zzzzzz…

Oh hell, gotta pee.  Gotta pee.  Gotta… zzzzz…

Okay, she’s getting up.  Good, cause there’s gonna be a walk and I gotta pee, and gotta hunch… lemme get on the blanket cave and stare at her.  Makes her move faster.  Stare.  Stare.  Stare.  Zzzzzz STARTLE twitch stare…

Omibob!  Holy shit! Holy shit!  Holy shit!  She’s here!  She’s here!  She’s out of the white-tile-lawn and she’s here!  I love her I love her I love her… Go for a walk!

*wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle* *shake* *shake* *shake*  Go for a walk go for a walk go for a walk–

A LEASH?  What do you mean a leash, no no no no… oh hell.  Okay.  Fine.  Go for a… whathehellwuzat?

Squirrel?  Rat?  Gopher?  Mole? Vole? 

Oh, I hope it’s a vole, I don’t even know what one–whizz.  Lawn, bush, crack in the sidew–whizz.  Telephone pole– oh, hey, Dogzilla pissed here!  And the pomeranian on the corner!  And that dog that wants to eat me!  And… hey, don’t pull me away– I had at least six other dogs to ID!  Wait… wait for it… whizz.  

And here we are!  Back home! Time for a dump!  Ahhh…

Inside?  Am I inside?  Oh look!  Skinny guy!  Skinny guy!  Love skinny guy– is he going left?  Is he going right?  Left? Right? Left?  Right?  Omibob the frickin’ choices!  “Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!” Oh yes!  He has my snout!  He’s wrestling me to the ground!  Oh joy oh joy oh joy oh joy!  I love this guy!

Outside!  I’m outside!  Oh, I don’t like outside, it’s too much like–whizz–like outside!

Gotta go inside!  Move, asshole cat, I’ve got to go inside!  Move!  Move I tell you!  Move? Move?  Please move?  Oh come on, asshole cat!  Don’t lay down in front of the door!  Please?  Please?  Please?  Please?  “Yip!  Yip!  Yip! Yip!”  Hey, the skinny guy is there.  Let me in, skinny guy!  Wait?  What is that sound you are making?  Stop making that sound and let me in!  Let me in let me in let me in… “Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!”  Yeah, asshole cat!  Get up off that porch!  Get up! Get up! Get up! HA!  YOU GOT UP!

Where was I going?  Ah, yes.  Squishy woman… let me up let me up let me up… yay!  head in the shirt, ass in the air– hey, does she like smelling that as much as I like smelling other dogs’ asses?  Here, let me wiggle that a little so she gets the whole aroma.

Ah… pillows…zzzzzz..

Go for a ride?  Yes, lets!  Go for a ride!  Get the kids!  Sit in the middle… no, no, can’t sit in squishy woman’s lap, must remember that.  yay!  Kids!  Now quick!  Go to the place with the big yellow arches, so I can eat fries.  Please?  Please?  Please?  You didn’t get any fries?  I like your pillows, lady but you suck!

Oh yay!  The kids!  The kids!  The kids are gonna take me for a walk!  They’re great. They let me smell all the dogs at the telephone pole.  Kids are great!  Here, let me crap on the neighbor’s lawn, because they don’t remember plastic bags!

Oh, it’s squishy woman again!  I love that woman!  Let me lick let me lick let me lick– no licking?  Not even… yeah… behind the ears… it’s so good… lick lick lick lick lick lick… love ears.  Love licking behind the ears… tasty tasty tasty tasty skin behind the ears… wait– there’s my pillows!  zzzz…

And omibob!  She’s cooking dinner.  Feed me.  Feed me.  Feed me!  Thank you thank you thank you… feed me more?  Here, I’ll hop for it!  Hop hop hop hop hop… aren’t I cute?  Aren’t I?  I’m frickin’ adorable.  Ah.  Was wonderful.  Feed me more.  No?  Wait… where’s the big kid who likes to sit…

Ah… feed me?  Thank you big kid.  I’ll sit some more.  Feed me?  Goooooood big kid.

Thank you so much for feeding me… the risk of starvation was real.

Last walk?  Excellent. No, no no no don’t talk to the neighbors!!!  Bored.  I’m bored now.  Here, let me pee in there garage!  Nope!  Not bored anymore, we can go?  Awesome!  Not bored now.  No bored.

Ah, the walk’s over, the kids are all in bed, finally.  And there she is, squishy woman in front of the big glowing god.  I could go sleep with skinny guy, but he’s not comfy.  Okay, squishy woman.  Up one more ti–zzzzz…

We’re going to bed?  We’re going to bed?  We’re going to bed?  Yes.  I feel like dancing!  Let me dance!  Let me dance!  Dancing on the sheets… I’m dancing on the… okay okay okay… into the blanket cave.  Ahhh… Good blanket cave.  Nice and warm.  And dark.  Ohkay, Squishy woman.  Let’s curl up and go for it.


0 thoughts on “A Day in the Life of a Chiwhowhat”

  1. Michelle says:

    I am totally in love with the voice of this pooch. Ohmibob is the best thing I've heard in ages…hahahaha

  2. Juliana says:

    Haha! My dog has a licking problem so I think his brain is a loop of 'Lick feet… lick feet! Feet! Lick lick lick! Chew chew feet!' 😛

  3. Sounds like Havoc and Mayhem.

  4. Manxkity says:

    I see your dog cant hold his licker either. 🙂

  5. VThompson says:

    Oh that was wonderful!!

  6. Millionmph says:

    LMAO Oh my, that was so freaking adorably hilarious! I totally needed some levity right now, and this was perfect. You have the best blog evah!! 🙂

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