So, tonight, the following conversations happened:
1. We are watching Bob’s Burgers. For those of you who haven’t seen this show, my kids pretty much agree that Bob and Linda are me and Mate, right down to how Bob deals with his chronically weird children. (No. No. No, don’t do that. That’s… pretty awful actually. Okay. Whatever. I love you.)
While we are watching tonight, the following conversation happens between Bob and Linda, while they are watching Darjeeling Deaths, which, if you haven’t seen them, is a sendup of Midsomer Mysteries, and trying to get out of their nightmare descent into middle age.
Bob: Do you think that guy did it? That guy definitely did it.
Linda: Wait! Do you think we should go out?
Bob: Why, do you have to pee?
Linda: Well, yeah, actually, but I mean go out tonight to that party we were invited to.
Bob: To a party that starts at ten o’clock where I’m supposed to try to be awake?
Linda: Yeah, Bobby– let’s talk about it after I pee.
This is where Mate and I can’t breathe, we are laughing so hard. He looks at me to see if I’m laughing as much as he is, and I say, “Help! I’ve been seen and shot!” And we go off on another round again.
All things considered, I sort of wish I’d met my doppelgänger on Midsomer Mysteries.
2. I’ve been working on a top-down sweater for Chicken’s friend, and it is getting to the part where I have to decide where to “pit”–separate the armpit from the yoke and start the body.
“Squish, it is time in this sweater’s life.”
“No… mom, do I have to?”
“We need to see how big it is now. The process has begun. There is no going back.” I put the yoke over her shoulders and try to estimate where I’ll need to start the armpit. Squish rolls her eyes.
“Are you only using me because my brother smells?”
“No. I”m using you because you have boobs and he doesn’t.”
“Fine. You need about three more inches before you pit.”
“You’re right! Thanks! I’ll keep going.”
3. And this final conversation between me and my cat.
“So, uh, cat–“
“IT’s my hour, you can’t boot me off.”
“But I was doing a thing here with yarn and a hook–“
“Ask me if I care. If you keep it on your lap I’ll shed.”
“But there’s a dog here on the side–“
“I”ll sit on it. So help me if you don’t pet me right now I will sit on that thing until it ceases to breathe.”
“Yeah, uh… oh wow, we’re getting personal.”
“Rub noses with me or you’ll see my one big eye.”
“Okay. Damn. You play dirty.”
“Shut up. I’m going to sit here on your chest for another twenty minutes. Don’t even look at the knitting.”
“Yeah, fine. Scratch behind your ears?”
“It’s about fucking time you offered. Mm… yeah, not too long on that. Now scratch my ass.”
“Sure, my liege.”
“You joke but we both know it’s true. Now harder, at the base of the tail… there we go. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….”