I’ll be real. The worst thing about politics– for me– is that it bores me shitless. Yeah, so Trump’s a crass bozo who couldn’t find his ass with both hands if someone gave him a bucket to shit in. We know it, we know everything that’s going to come out of his mouth is going to be awful and make us hate ourselves and the rest of mankind, and we know the Republicans are going to pretend to be horrified while actually being titillated because he’s actually articulating their policies with the precision of a standup comic and making people love those horrible, dehumanizing policies because he’s a bozo who couldn’t find his ass with both hands if someone gave him a bucket to shit in.
These people are awful, awful human beings who have given up pretending to try to fix their country, and now I’m bored. I want to see GOOD people doing GOOD things.
And mostly, I want to see all this happening not on my television viewing time. I’m fucking serious, man. The next time someone preempts my gory cop drama so we can see candidates talk out of their assholes while planning the continued dominion of the puckered angry white man I’m gonna fucking lose it.
And that’s the root of my proposal for the coming election.
I want to see these fuckers–Democratic and Republican– DO SOMETHING. Anything. Jesus, knit a fucking sweater, just don’t take up my time and a fuckton of the nations money being career politicians.
So how about we put that money somewhere else.
I propose that the Superpacs give each candidate a set amount of money. They cannot use their own funds. Superpac money, the end. And then they have a year to FUCKING DO SOMETHING for their country.
I mean it. What do they claim to be behind? The environment? Great– take one of the cities with the shittiest air quality and build solar centers on some buildings. Civil rights? Awesome. Get together a think tank and come up with some solid policies that will stop open season on our black population, because I am all the hell for stopping that shit, it needs to fucking stop. Then implement those policies in a control group and see if they work. Women’s health issues? Maybe open up some women’s health clinics that don’t slut shame and don’t rate a woman’s life at slightly less than a cockroach’s, hmm? Education? Great. Invest in some teachers in some of the country’s poorest areas and stop crippling them with things like, “Teach everything but history, literature, and science.” Oh– and a schoolbook or two would ‘t fucking kill you, would it?
I don’t give a damn what you do with this money– just do SOMETHING besides get on my television and make me wish I was born a mantis shrimp or a tiny dog or tsetse fly or ANYTHING that shares DNA with the blithering fuckheads who make me loathe my entire goddamned species.
And then, after a set time, we do analysis. We look at statistics before and after, exit interviews of employees, exit client interviews, we find some sort of measurable form of success (I know this blows people away, but education does it all the fucking time– ovary up, politicians, we want to know you’re not corrupt diseased political whores, get the fuck over it) and we see if this politician has managed to implement a successful strategy to make the world a better place.
And THEN we give the top five successes an advertising budget with one caveat: they are not allowed to shit on anybody else.
Seriously. I can’t sell a single book by trash talking my competitors– and why would I even try? It would make me feel like the bacterial slime on dogshit to try to make myself feel better by saying bad things about colleagues who work just as hard as I do to produce a decent product. So why do we REWARD politicians for doing this? We buy into their fear and their hatred and their “THIS OTHER PERSON IS BAAAAAAAAAAAAD” bullshit. THEY may be bacterial slime on a dog turd, but WE’RE better than that.
Let’s make THEM better than that.
Let’s make them advertise what they’ve done for us. Let’s MAKE them accomplish something. Let’s MAKE THEM get the HOLY FUCK OFF OF OUR TELEVISIONS while we’re trying to invest in some sort of positive view of the human world. (And remember– I watch gory cop dramas– how bad do they have to be if they’re worse than the scum dogs on Major Crimes or Murder in the First.)
Let’s make them prove they can do something.
That’s really all I ask.