An odd source of tension…

Okay–usually my inner world is more exciting than this.

Usually, my brain is sort of pinging from moment to moment and place to place–music, television, movies, books–you name it, I’m thinking about it and, hoocha hoocha hoocha–lobster! (For those of you who don’t follow Eddie Izzard, I just mangled a truly great bit there. Really. It was hilarious. I swear.)

But all I can think about right now are my numbers. With the exception of Bitter Moon I (*sigh*) they are absurdly high.

Now my first reaction is, of course, a sort of anxious glee. SOMEONE is reading my book–will they like it? Will the editing bother them? Will Cory’s swearing put them off? I keep waiting from someone on the right-wing-morality brigade to ring me up and threaten to egg my house because of the sex in the Little Goddess books, and I’ve even gotten pinged on reviews for it, and I do not want to offend anyone who thought they were buying Hi-lites for Children and got Playboy instead.

But the numbers have been high–as in two or three copies of Vulnerable a day–for an entire week now, and my anxiety is bubbling down to a sort of nauseated terror–you know, like a bad steak in a bottle of lab-acid.

Somebody is going to review my book. Several somebodies. I know it’s coming. And, because the books are not neutral territory, and because a lot of kind people have been comparing me favorably to Stephanie Meyer and it’s going to be a let down that I’m very very different, some of those somebodies are going to review me badly.

I’ve done this before–a lot of you read the post “Virginity is Overrated” and bolstered me up then. I’ve gotten a couple of negative reviews since. (Okay, that was vague. The truth is that I’m narcissistic and neurotic enough to spit up my stats from worst review to best review at any given moment at any given day, but I try not to bore people to tears here…it’s sort of a goal of mine as a blogger.) But what’s coming is going to be bigger than that–both bigger bad and bigger good, and all I can see of it now is a sort of vague pressure, like a psychic knowing about an avalanche, but not knowing when to duck.

I really hope people like it. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope people like it. And, after they like it, I hope they’re willing to wait until this time next year for the next one. And it would be really cool if they read Bitter Moon I (not NEARLY as much sex and swearing in that one, I promise!)

But mostly, even if they don’t like it, and even if they want to voice their opinion about it, I hope they do it nicely. I keep waiting for the review title of “Complete Moron Writes a Crappy Book–Somebody Alert the News!” Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it’s not coming!

So that’s it–kids have come and gone, my Juniors and Seniors have managed to foul up two completely relevant, decent projects that they had three weeks and class time to work on, my children have done very cute things (Dad walked in yesterday and the Cave Troll ran up to him and said, “Dad, you have to do your job!!! There’s DOG POOP in the back yard and YOU have to pick it up!” And Ladybug–in the bath for, I would imagine, obvious and odorific reasons– spoke up. “Dad pick up the POOP!!!” I’m sure dad was very tempted to turn around and go back to work, where the words “Dog Poop” are never mentioned in terms of things he must do.) and my older children have been a source of annoyance and affection and I’ve had some great times at the lunch room at work but…

The one thing (besides the plot for BMoonII) buzzing around my brain pan is the one thing I shouldn’t be obsessing about, the one thing I can not change or help, and the one thing that, truly, doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in my life.

It really is an odd source of tension.

0 thoughts on “An odd source of tension…”

  1. Alyssa says:

    While I certainly understand your anxiety, I would feel nervous too about putting my work in front of lots of people. I think that you should stand in front of the mirror every day and say: “I am an awesome writer, I kick ass, I have many fans who love my work” over and over till you believe it because it’s true!! Even if some idiot writes a mean review that doesn’t take away from your talent! You just need to keep believing in yourself (and keep writing).

    Also just because there is sex and swearing in your books doesn’t make them bad or whatever, it just makes them real, and real is good. I love the way Cory is portrayed and I can’t wait for Bitter Moon II!

    While we all have tense nerotic moments in our life I hope you’ll continue to believe in your talent and continue to write.


  2. TinkingBell says:

    The books are fabulous (and I hope to finish Vulnerable for you over the next 2 weeks – I’m going to be entirely at home because my girl has chickenpox! sigh!) – you are a great writer and a born storyteller – live with that fact!

  3. Galad says:

    It can’t be a fluke that so many of us have voiced the same feelings of connection to your characters. I figure if someone isn’t giving you bad reviews, what you wrote was so bland there was no cause for comment 🙂

  4. Louiz says:

    To be honest, “Complete Moron Writes a Crappy Book” is not news, there is a lot of rubbish out there that makes me wonder why you (a whole lot better than some of the stuff published by commercial publishers) can’t find a commercial publisher to publish you… although from what I understand about their way of doing things it might just drive you crazy too!

  5. roxie says:

    OK, how about I go over to Amazon and write, “Complete Moron writes a Crappy Book” just to get it over and done with so you can stop worrying about the awfullest thing you can imagine. You know I don’t mean it. It will defuse the cranky assholes (Who are, after all, entitled to their own fucked-up opinions) and you can get on with writing Bitter Moon II. Honestly, woman! Talk about borrowing trouble! People are Buying your Books! People are buying your books because they are GOOD! I understand the angst, but I want to encourage you not to feed it. You don’t need to sacrifice your happiness to appease the Gods. They won’t take your good fortune away just because you enjoy it.

  6. ismarah says:

    Oopsie! I mentioned SM in another post BUT I was trying to make it very very clear that YOU ARE BETTER!!!

    and I hate it when I get comments on my own swearing, most recently today. Have I mentioned how much I loath ordinary human beings, freak that I am?

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