As Promised…

In addition to being an obsessive narcissist, you may also have noticed that I have the attention span of a mosquito flying through a meth cloud, so I’m only going to mention BOUND for a nanosecond, then I’m moving on to bitching about Amazon.com and then, as promised, a little bit of Top Sheep…

So, when my purse got stolen, we had to cancel our credit cards–these were the only cards we had still running on our amazon.com account, and when we canceled them, amazon cancelled me. The fun part was, that when it was asking me to log in, it was asking me to log in with my credit cards, and none of the ones it was asking for were live anymore–I mean, I haven’t had some of them for YEARS…it was like asking for a thumb print when I’d cut that thumb off because it kept getting in the way of my knitting and dropping my stitches (#$%^ing thumb!) and I couldn’t seem to convice the freaking thing that I didn’t have another goddamned thumb to give it. Anyway, with a little bit of creative thinking I got into my account and added another credit card and then transferred all of my pending orders (there’s a lot!) to the new card. And amazon.com cancelled me anyway. There’s 2 reasons they may have done this.

Reason A: My stupid work computer which will let me get e-mail featuring a scantily topped (t)It-Girl straddling a 6′ wooden phallus (thanks Dad–stop sending those to us, they could get us fired!) and will let me find a website featuring non-monogamous Christian nudists (I was LOOKING for an Erma Bombeck article…!@#$ING SURPRISE!!!!) decided that amazon.com was spam, and, frankly, amazon was getting no love so it decided to cut me off. (Considering their shipping rates often involve the phrase ‘Bend Over’ in them, this analogy is not that far off.)

Reason B: They’re morons.

I’m not really banking on either reason–it’s sort of like flipping a coin, actually, because, even if it is reason A, this is a district policy thing and our DO is 5000 years behind our long suffering technical staff which means that morons are still involved.

So I can’t log onto amazon. Which means I can’t make any more lists, or reply to anyone and even if I hadn’t already decided not to review my own book, I couldn’t anyway.(Thanks haylo, btw–I had already decided to have a little faith and let things be, but your reply did give me enough confidence to make it official! Roxie–you’re a dear and a love, and I know that should this bone-headed idea bonk me on the noggin, you will give me a big cyber-hug and not rub it in that you were totally right and I was a moron–which also, btw, gave me enough faith to let things be.) Which, on the one hand is totally frustrating, but on the other hand is…

Strangely liberating.

I obsessively check my sales, which, considering what they actually are, you may imagine might be a sort of pathetic obsession. (‘Hey, someone bought a book today! Cool. I hope they like it. Do you think they’ll like it, Mate? Would they tell me if they didn’t? Would they be nice about it? Hey, I got a comment! They liked it! Cool. Do you think they’re just saying that? What did they like best about it? Did they like that one scene where my heroine says #$%% @##$$ @#$%&* @@###$? Do you think they think she swears too much, just like my parents?’ Anyway,you get the picture…) This way, I can check my sales, but I can’t do much else, so I can stop haunting amazon.com like the ghost of dreams-gone-by… I’m sure amazon is relieved. Oh, wait…I can’t spend any money this way–I’m sure they’re trying like mad to fix the problem, which, given that I’m in need of something to read this month, may also be a good thing… but not quite yet. Hopefully my equillibrium will reestablish itself before I fully reintegrate into my usual obsessive behavior. It would be a sign the Universe loves me after all.

And now for some Top Sheep: (hee hee…I’m wondering if I show up on anybody’s deviant blog searches–either that or farm life…that would crack me up…)

(Susie Sockyarn) Welcome to this week’s episode of Top Sheep–last week, our contestents were issued an elimination challenge that elicted the following response…

(Montage featuring the following things: Willa Woolford and Organa Cotton weeping uncontrollably, Christine Cable gnawing worriedly on her lower lip, an orgasmic shudder from Al Paca, a high five between Intarsia Strand and Farrah Ayle, Mo O’Hare looking at everybody like they’d lost their minds, and Katie Acryllic looking cat-eyed and licking her lips in anticipation, with the word “microfiber” dropping from her mouth like lanolin-spun sex)

(Susie, resuming commentary) And today, we get to see what all of that excitement was about. For that, we bring you our Top Sheep judge, Proximate Gauge–Proximate, they sure looked happy to hear about this week’s challenge, didn’t they?

(Proxy Gauge) They sure did, Susie. (He looks at a vid-screen with wide eyes at the contestants as they band together and do the cocker-spaniel pee pee dance of excitement.) Almost disturbingly so.

(Susie Sockyarn) I can see that, Prox–can you tell us what caused such an uproar?

(Proxy Gauge) Well, the challenge we issued last week involves knitting something that displays or celebrates the history of knitting.

(Susie) Was that all?

(Proxy) Well, I do remember uttering the words “Using the materials of your choice.”

(Susie–in dawning comprehension.) I see….

(Montage of reactions: Willa– “Wool?” Organa–“Cotton?” Al Paca–“Anything natural at all?” Katie–“Mmmmmmm…microspun…” Mo O’Hare–“What the hell is wrong with you people–you’d think you were knitting with electrical tape and toe jam or something!” Montage fade out…)

(Susie) Now we will return to our contestants to see what they’ve done with this fascinating historical challenge…what is that noise?

(They open the door to the contestant room and are dismayed by the chaos that greets them. Willa Woolford is facing off with Organa Cotton, Farrah Ayle is on her side facing off against Intarsia Strand, Al Paca is toe to toe with Mo O’Hare and Christine Cable and Katie Acryllic are between them, trying to keep the peace.)

(Willa) Everybody knows knitting was started in Europe–what have you forgotten the Indus sock? Where do you think the idea of “Indus-try” came from if not from that good old fashioned European sock.

(Organa) “Indus-” came from the old Latin, meaning ‘dilligent’–not everything comes from knitting you know!

(Willa) BLASPHEMER!

(Katie, in a conciliatory way) Now calm down, Willa–you know that that fragment was actually ‘nal-binding’, right?

(Intarsia Strand) Nalbinding? Aren’t you tired of bragging about your sex life, you ‘darning dandy’!

(Katie, confused.) No–nalbinding–that thing they did with one needle that wasn’t knitting but everybody thought really was?

(The chaos stops for a second. Then, Farrah Ayle says) Crochet?

(Intarsia, recalling that she is usually the ‘easygoing’ one.) No, no…that would be a hook…

(Al Paca) Crochet originated in France in the 1500’s–everyone knows that– knitting has been around since 1000 BC in Egypt…

(Mo O’hare) The hell it has–knitting originated in Spain in the 1400ds…

(Al Paca) No, no–that obviously post-dates the coptic sock that was found by the Nile with the word ‘Allah’ knit into it…

(Mo O’hare) Knitting is a European Christian event as hundreds of dead white men have documented through the years and don’t you forget it!

(Al Paca) Yeah, you can suck my coptic sock you nalbinding neanderthal, your research stinks like lama spit!

(Christine Cable, still trying to make peace) People…we’ve lost focus here–don’t we have projects to present tonight?

(Sudden silence. Al Paca suddenly whines into the silence.) Well, shit. I’ve left my knitting back in the hotel. (Half to himself) I’m so mad at myself I could just spit!

(A chorus of ‘me too’, ‘yeah, so did I’ and ‘Hell’s bells, what was I thinking?)

(Christine, rather smugly) So I guess Katie and I are the only ones with projects to be judged.

(Proximate Gauge, trying belatedly to take charge) Well, Christine–as much as I enjoy the cable representing the Nile on a tapestry of linen along with relief pictures of the coptic sock and a theoretical first knitter, I think we need to reconvene tomorrow and give the other contestants a chance–this has obviously hit a nerve.

(Katie Acryllic) Don’t worry about my project, Proximate–I used microfiber acryllic–that puppy’s going to be around a long time after we’re dead and buried. You can judge me any time.

(Willa to Organa, making an uneasy peace.) Well we’d better get our projects…they’ll disintegrate in five hundred years or so.

(Organa, with a sigh) Less if it’s organic.

(Susie Sockyarn, a little bewildered) Well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess we’ll reconvene tomorrow and see what you’ve produced for us… in the meantime everybody, we’ll see you next episode for Top Sheep!

***btw–I got most of my information from Julie’s article on Knitting 101, found in the Knitty archives–or you can just go here. The rest of the info I got from one of Julie’s sources, Folk Socks by Nancy Bush:-)