So I sent Chicken a picture of the dogs on their walk one morning, to which she replied, “Look! Two assholes, straining!”

They have been “Assholes!” ever since.

*  *  *

This morning I dropped Squish off and took Geoffie in for her bi-yearly exam. Yeah, I think it’s overkill for a dog too–and I also think it’s a little weird that the vets calls our house twice a year for EVERY animal, including Gordie, who is mostly feral, in order to get us to bring our pets in for their well-doggie checkup, and yet our HUMAN provider could give a cat’s ass about my kids once they get out of diapers. Weird.


We dropped Geoffie off, and I had to hand her off to the vet tech (and all of the vet techs at my Bannfield branch are AMAZING, kind, fun, competent, and really love animals, and this one leads the bunch!) and… well, she wouldn’t stop moving.

*wiggle wiggle wiggle*  EEEEEEEEEEEEE IT’S MY PEOPLE!!!! *wiggle wiggle wiggle*

So, we barely got out of there without her trying to fly.

But as we were leaving, Johnnie had to stop by the dog-pee pole, and, well, pee.

And as I was cleaning up the dog pee, and went to throw away the paper towels in the clean up station, he took a dump.

And as I was CLEANING UP THE DUMP he had backed up his NEXT DUMP and I BARELY saved the ugly sweater display from a big Johnnie turd. Which meant I would have had to buy my dog ANOTHER ugly sweater, because currently he’s wearing one from the drug store that cost five dollars.  Anyway… Asshooooooooooooles…..

*  *  *

We go back to pick up Geoffie, and as the tech brings her out it’s all *wiggle wiggle wiggle*  EEEEEEEEEEEEE IT’S MY PEOPLE!!!! *wiggle wiggle wiggle*  and the vet tech (different one with the night shift– still awesome) is like, “Yeah! She just loves us, doesn’t she! She’s awesome!”

And Geoffie is like, *wiggle wiggle wiggle*  EEEEEEEEEEEEE IT’S MY PEOPLE!!!! *wiggle wiggle wiggle* *lick lick lick lick* *wiggle wiggle wiggle*  EEEEEEEEEEEEE IT’S MY PEOPLE!!!! *wiggle wiggle wiggle*  *lick lick lick lick*  And the vet tech is laughing.

“Oddly enough, she did this all through the exam, too.”

“Did this?” Because the dog was vibrating too fast to see. All I could catch were spazzy little kermit flail paws, like one of those turtles getting it’s ass scratched, except in HYPERSPEED.

“Oh yeah– Geoffie loves our Bannfield family!”

“Well, you guys must love her or this would drive me batshit!”

“Ha ha ha ha…”

It’s a good thing they’re sweet there, or I might have interpreted a teeny bit of hysteria in that laugh…

* * *

The vet calls, since we didn’t get to consult during the visit.  (This is the vet who gave us the lovely, poignant, and really useful advice when it was time to put Chiquita down. I told her, by the way, about all of you who started to count your dog’s “hobbies” and how knowing that if a dog starts losing his or her five favorite “hobbies” it was time to think about letting her go. I told her that lots of you have thanked her, and she was grateful she could say something that would help pet owners feel better about their beloved animals.)

Anyway– she’s awesomesauce. Amazeballs.

“So, how’s Geoffie?” I ask.

“Oh, she’s great. Does she ever stop moving?”

“Not even when she’s asleep. Her paws are bald–is this a bad thing?”

“Nope– no skin allergy, no itchiness, no scaliness.”

“Just pink little hamster feet?”

“Yup. Doesn’t bother her in the least.”

“Great– you had to express her anal glands?”  (This appears to be the equivalent of a high colonic for dogs– Geoffie seems to think it’s her beauty treatment, because her ass quivers even more.)

“Yeah–she was fine with it, but it got hard near the end.”

“Should we worry about this?”

“No, it seems to be a food allergy. If needing to express her glands every six months is the extent of a food allergy–“

“I got off easy.”

“Oh yes you did.”

“So she’s just a spazzy ball of health is what you’re saying.”

“Yup. A joy to have. A lot more excitement than Steve, but they’re both sweet.”

“Well, thank you Dr. Sanders– have a good holiday!”

“You too!”

And there you go. She’s a spazzy ball of health.

* * *

And so I took pictures (which for some reason won’t load… argh… me and the technology, we are not friends so much…) Anyway– the photoshoot went like this:  Geoffie! Geoffie! Look at mama… c’mon, Geoffie… Johnnie, stop making faces. C’mon baby, look at mama… stop licking your ass… stop biting your paw… stop chewing Johnnie’s ear… Geoffie! Geoffie! c’mon, man, I’m trying to take a picture…

A spazzy, wriggling ball of health indeed.

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