Having recovered from my ego-bruising rejection, I decided to take a positive, proactive stance in the campaign to get my work published by someone besides myself. To that end, I have written and formatted my own rejection letter–you know, just to speed the process along and spare everybody some time, trouble, and pain:
Dear Agent/Publisher– In the event you decide to reject this manuscript, please check the appropriate box:
( ) I accidentally spilled coffee on the manuscript and decided not to bother.
( ) Your lead heroine reminds me of my sister in law, and I hate her.
( ) You used the ‘F’ word too many times and I was raised a devout skankless abstainer
( ) The ending is not prototypically happy and made my head explode.
( ) I have a terrible case of diarrhea and therefore my attention span is less than that of a two-year-old’s on a slushee and so I understand nothing that you wrote and it’s all your fault.
( ) Your long words confuse me. Don’t bother me again.
( ) Non-traditional narrative styles scare me. Shame on you.
( ) You didn’t suck my toes enough in your introductory letter. Learn some humility and learn to bend over.
( ) I spent my lunch whipping other authors into writing four books a year because they have name recognition and I’m just too tired to bother.
( ) Your hubris at self-publishing must be punished and I’m just the rat-bastard to do it.
Thank you, sirs, for the time it took you to check that box and put this back into the self-addressed stamped envelope I provided for you–I’ll slink away now to bother you no more and write in obscurity forevermore.
What do you guys think? Would it work
