Birthday Parties

I have to admit–I’m mom-the-suck at birthday parties.

For Chicken, once, we invited half her class ice skating and only got family.

For Big T, we had all of family and friends here to break a piñata, and it turned out the piñata was his friend and seeing it broken sort of ripped his little heart into pieces.

For ZoomBoy–well, honestly, all we’ve ever had to do was invite one or two kids, and let him play Legos. SOCIALIZATION ACHIEVED. So bad example.

For Squish, it’s been hit or miss. Honestly, in recent years the kids have been asking for things like, “Let’s go to  Wongs with Grandma and Grandpa!” and Mate and I have been all YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

Because Birthday Parties have an entire list of things to do that I am unequivocally bad at!

Like, two years ago, we had to pack the car for a tournament AND ZoomBoy’s birthday party at a race car place.

You may remember this one–not for the party, but because it’s when Mate dropped his phone down in the sewer with the Clown from It–and then brought in a ladder to fetch it out. (We had video of that too–mostly of my big fat ass in the way as we were waiting for Mate to get out of the sewer. Turning twelve or thirteen or fourteen or whatever did not make ZoomBoy a fantastic cinematographer.)

Anyway– if it hadn’t been eclipsed by, well, the phone in the sewer, my incompetence would have been star of the show. I forgot everything. Napkins, drinks, a cake knife, plates. Mate’s friends all showed up and we were eating cake off napkins with our fingers.


Everything from who to invite to how many to what are we going to feed these people to dear God let it  not happen in my house of crap, not now, not when I’ve been under deadline for an ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR.

So anyway.

Back to Saturday.

Birthday party in the park.

First, let us count the things that went wrong.

*  It was windy and shit was blowing off the tables.

* Chicken was sick–and she was supposed to bring her brother, two of Squish’s friends, and herself. Mate and I had to fill in the blankets–and bring her Gatorade because she was REALLY FUCKIN’ SICK.

*  Family friends bailed leaving us with way too much food.

* Her friend’s little brother accidentally wiped out an entire tray of sandwiches, which I guess was okay since we were down five people, but, well, they were the premium sandwiches and there went dinner. (One of the things I’m proudest of is the way NOBODY yelled at him. Not a soul. Not my parents, not me, not Mate, not any of the girls waiting to be fed. The kid was seven and it was an accident and he felt stupid and bad and you could read it on his face. We told him it was okay, shit happened, and there was an entire other tray and cake. I mean, poor kid. He doesn’t eat much, himself–but he knew we were looking forward to leftovers and that must have sucked.)

*Two of the party people bailed, but that left us with five adolescent girls who apparently thought a picnic in the park followed by walking to Starbucks was the bomb.

* Apparently it’s okay for people just to abandon their children in the park for hours on end, because in spite of the fact that the party was supposed to end around three, maybe four-ish, we were still there at a quarter til six, waiting for that last parent to come get their kid. Frankly it was getting cold, we were all sunburned, and the dogs were frickin’ done.

Oh! Speaking of the dogs…

I’m not sure if that video is going to work on this platform, but you can check my Instagram or my FB if you like-I need to tell you how that happened.

So, I got there around one, and Mate and Squish had picked up the two kids and were decorating. They also brought the dogs, whom Mate had tied to the wagon–and it seemed to be working.

But when they saw me, they all went, “MOMMEEEEEE!!!!”  And started to pull at the wagon–and it broke free!! We all laughed, because it was unexpected, and later, after everything was set up, I had to  go to the bathroom.

And the dogs wanted to follow me. Squish was holding the wagon so they wouldn’t go anywhere and I said to Mate as I was walking away, “You know, we should capture that on film.”

Because it’s three Chihuahuas towing a wagon like the Chiwhowhat Iditerod–and how is that not HILARIOUS!

So we did.

But anyway–

I digress.

Finally that last kid went home.

And Squish felt like it was a party well done, and I’m so relieved.

Because I felt like it was potential parental disaster from inception to execution, and holy rockets, Batman, I can’t believe we pulled it off.

You know what?

I’m thinking maybe we’ll make going to Wong’s a RULE rather than an OPTION from here on out.

But Squish had a good birthday. Excuse me while I go have a controlled swoon now!

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