So, I forgot my bra in my gym bag. Not earth shattering, I know, especially since I don’t necessarily have to get out of the car after I leave the gym. (Still, the longest walk to the parking lot, ever.) Anyway, unable to just gently sag in peace, I came back to the car and texted Mate the following two things– try to rap it badly to Hamilton, if you will:
I forgot my bra today
My boobs are facing gravity
They’re sagging more than
Dictated by Sanity
Are these the boobs with which I am to be cure?
I scream in the face of these massy mutinies!
And then I texted it to a friend, with the caveat, “From Boobington, the Musical!”
She said there NEEDED to be a Boobington: the Musical, and I sort of riffed a little more on text, and, well, here you go. Ad copy for Boobington: the Musical–
From the people who brought you Men: In Briefs and In Corset You Missed it comes our next smash hit, Boobington: the Musical!
Featuring an all-star Bra-way cast, Boobington, the Musical tells the story of Patty and Selma, two asymmetrical sisters whose adventures trying to find support for their individual natures will uplift you, make you sweat in your small places, and warm that space in your chest behind your pectorals.
Join Mae Playtex and Crossanda Yourheart as they perform such smash hits as
—I’ll Stop the World and Boob with You
–Don’t Let the Headlights Go Down On Me
–Sagging Hopes and Empty Cups
–Do Your Boobs Hang Low
and many more!
Meet Lacey Frontclasp as the irrepressible Perky Becup, the young ingenue who is repeatedly fooled into believing the weakly structured Victor Satin can give her the support she deserves. Can the sisters save Perky from a loveless, itchy, sweaty marriage with Victor? Will Perky be happy with the sporty Lycra Smash who provides stability and structure? Will Patty and Selma ever find a home with enough stretch to give them the freedom they need, enough support to keep them from ending up down in the dumps, and enough padding to disguise Selma’s tendency to droop?
Come to the DD-Street theater and get your ticket to the smash hit, Boobington: the Musical! But you better hurry folks, because those tickets are hotter than boobsweat in Florida in July!
So there you go. Boobington: the Musical. If it’s not a thing, it should be. I’ll be taking suggestions for song titles all week!