But Officer…

“Now ma’am, try explaining it one more time.”

“Well, let’s see– it was just such a busy day. I was running around, getting the car looked at, getting batteries for the remotes, shopping, picking up kids…”

“Now you say you were shopping?”

“Yes sir–it’s been a while. I mean, we had frozen food, but sometimes you need sandwich fixings and fresh fruits and veggies–and snacks… oh God… the snacks…”

“So about the snacks–“

“But there were vegetables! And meat! And good things! I swear there were healthy choices there–“

“Just the snacks, ma’am.”

“Okay, fine. So, I bought snack food. Not too much, you know. I mean, look at me–I want the kids to eat better than I did when I was in college. And after. And when I was pregnant. And after. And now. So I bought snack food, but, limited quantities, right?”

“So, chips, cookies, ice cream–any of that?”


“Which was it, ma’am, chips, cookies, or ice cream?”

“I said yes! They’re teenagers, man! They can’t live on vegetables alone!”

“Okay, okay– calm down. So you bought a bunch of junk food–“

I said there were vegetables, dammit!”

“But back to the snacks– what happened there?”

“Well, I was asleep, mind you. We got home from school, and I went down for a nap, and then I woke up to take the kids to dance lessons, and it was then that I noticed…”

“Noticed what?”

“Well first my son–he was eating a bag of pepperoni–“

“Snacking on pepperoni–“

He ate the whole bag!”

“Well, is he growing, Ma’am?”

“God, probably. But he also ate a bag of cookies, and some chips, and his sister ate the rest of a bag of chips, and then when we got back with takeout he ate the rest of the chips… Oh God. Oh God–the horror, man! The inhumanity!”

“So, ma’am, let’s get this straight– you were robbed?”

“No! Worse! I was NOSHED!”

“Well, ma’am, like you said, they’re teenagers…”

“We have a four day weekend coming up!”

“Well, I suggest you stop at the store!”

*breaks into open sobbing*

“Ma’am, I hate to ask, but is that bag of chips–“

*waves him on* “Go ahead. Eat. I don’t care anymore. We can sell the cat.”

“That’s mighty generous of you ma’am–and look! Coke zero!”

“Yeah, yeah yeah…”

–Noshing. Don’t let it happen to you.

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