Okay–my older daughter’s obsession with Top Chef has just got to stop.
We’ve already discussed this–calling me a cook is like calling 50 cent a skein acrylic “yarn”. Yes, it’s true in the technical sense, but nobody wants to eat at my house just like nobody wants to knit with that “yarn”, right?
Well, it only makes it worse when I hear Tom Collicheo’s voice in my head with every kitchen disaster. For example, tonight?
Tom: “Okay, now take me through your thought process here…”
Me: “Well, you said you wanted healthy, American food on a budget…”
Tom: “Yes, but you served tater-tots covered in cheese–how is that healthy?”
Me: “But that’s what the chicken and carrots were for!”
Tom: “And about those chicken and carrots… how could you conceive of a situation in which someone might want to put ketchup on chicken and carrots!”
Me: “Doesn’t ketchup go with everything?”
Tom: “Now this just means you don’t know your flavors. It’s obvious to all of us that you don’t belong anywhere in the kitchen. Please pack your knives and go!”
Me: “Whooopeee! I’ll treasure this dismissal from the kitchen for the rest of my life!”
(Later, tearfully, as I pack my knives and go…) “Okay, I did my best, and if that’s not good enough, well someone can hire someone who just knows what the hell they’re doing, that’s all. I do regret being a disappointment to my family though. And giving the leftovers to the dog–we all regret that.”
And in other news…
My daughter, Chicken, and I have come up with a new expressive gesture: We flip each other the fish.
It all started when she was giving me shit about something or other, and I was sitting on my chair with a kid on each arm and a cat on my chest. I wanted to hold up three fingers and tell her to “read between the lines,” but I didn’t have a hand to spare. I held up my sock-covered foot.
“Use your imagination,” I told her dryly.
She’s the one who came up with the expression, “Flipping the fish.”
I like it–it’s a lot more esoteric than flipping the bird, don’t you think?
And on that, I think I’ll let you go… for one thing, I’ve just cleaned the table and I still can’t find the cord for the damned camera, which is too bad, because I actually took pictures. *sigh* It’s getting to be sort of a curse.
