Chicken and Ketchup

Okay–my older daughter’s obsession with Top Chef has just got to stop.

We’ve already discussed this–calling me a cook is like calling 50 cent a skein acrylic “yarn”. Yes, it’s true in the technical sense, but nobody wants to eat at my house just like nobody wants to knit with that “yarn”, right?

Well, it only makes it worse when I hear Tom Collicheo’s voice in my head with every kitchen disaster. For example, tonight?

Tom: “Okay, now take me through your thought process here…”

Me: “Well, you said you wanted healthy, American food on a budget…”

Tom: “Yes, but you served tater-tots covered in cheese–how is that healthy?”

Me: “But that’s what the chicken and carrots were for!”

Tom: “And about those chicken and carrots… how could you conceive of a situation in which someone might want to put ketchup on chicken and carrots!”

Me: “Doesn’t ketchup go with everything?”

Tom: “Now this just means you don’t know your flavors. It’s obvious to all of us that you don’t belong anywhere in the kitchen. Please pack your knives and go!”

Me: “Whooopeee! I’ll treasure this dismissal from the kitchen for the rest of my life!”
(Later, tearfully, as I pack my knives and go…) “Okay, I did my best, and if that’s not good enough, well someone can hire someone who just knows what the hell they’re doing, that’s all. I do regret being a disappointment to my family though. And giving the leftovers to the dog–we all regret that.”

And in other news…

My daughter, Chicken, and I have come up with a new expressive gesture: We flip each other the fish.

It all started when she was giving me shit about something or other, and I was sitting on my chair with a kid on each arm and a cat on my chest. I wanted to hold up three fingers and tell her to “read between the lines,” but I didn’t have a hand to spare. I held up my sock-covered foot.

“Use your imagination,” I told her dryly.

She’s the one who came up with the expression, “Flipping the fish.”

I like it–it’s a lot more esoteric than flipping the bird, don’t you think?

And on that, I think I’ll let you go… for one thing, I’ve just cleaned the table and I still can’t find the cord for the damned camera, which is too bad, because I actually took pictures. *sigh* It’s getting to be sort of a curse.

0 thoughts on “Chicken and Ketchup”

  1. Galad says:

    I like flipping the fish. It is understated but clear and effective 🙂

  2. Louiz says:

    OK that should have come with a warning. Not suitable to read when you’re supposed to be working because giggling like a crazy thing is not the right response to work….

  3. Donna Lee says:

    We used to use the Aussie phrase “bob’s your uncle” which means loosely “and there you have it” but not in my house!

  4. GrillTech says:

    Ahh Top Chef. One of my many TV addictions. Once while watching the show KnitTech and I thought of a drinking game to go with it. Something like “Tom says – Thats cooking 101” and you take a drink(we’re immature that way). Then one day when I was bored I googled “Top Chef drinking game”. Needless to say someone beat us to it.

  5. roxie says:

    Flipping the fish? Yes, perfect, really. And if you are wearing shoes, then the other person REALLY has to use their imagination! I do love you and your kids!!

    PS. I can burn Jello.

  6. It’s seasoning 101… (Take a drink)

    I don’t think most people really enjoy cooking that much. Grilltech loves to BBQ; but cooking? Not so much.

  7. Bells says:

    Tater tots and cheese amy? Really? he he

  8. Catie says:

    what do you mean ketchup doesn’t go on everything – I am a ketchup hound I tell you a ketchup hound. We keep a spare bottle in the cupboard so there is never a ketchup crisis… this isn’t normal?!

    as you can tell by my posting comments on old blog posts – school got my number for awhile and I kept waiting until I would have enough time to read 30+ posts of yours – but then the number of posts kept growing (naturally…) and I kept not having time. I’ve given up and will read a bunch but likely not all. Which bothers me because up to that point I think I had read most of your archives…

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