Dog: It’s 23 degrees out here, you sadistic bitch! Besides–you know I already whizzed in your laundry!
Mate: Did you go do aqua aerobics today.
Me: Yes. I’ve been assured my metal is in the mail. (Still hasn’t been sent. The nerve! It was forty degrees out there yesterday!)
Zoomboy: It’s really cold. I think I’ll wear two sweaters! If it was only a little cold, I would only wear one, but it’s really cold, so I’ll wear two. If we were on the Ice PLanet Hoth, I’d have to wear taun-taun guts, but we’re not, so I’ll wear another sweater.
(Zoomboy has become obsessed with Star Wars lately– his rather hilarious story for school is titled “Robot Apocalypse” and features a communications robot named CP who helps people run their lawn mowers after the crash.)
Me, on phone to book vendor: Oooh… it’s a bit cold!
Book Vendor: Don’t talk to me about cold–I live in Petaluma, it was 15 degrees out there. Isn’t it in the 50’s where you are?
Me: It’s in the twenties!
Book Vendor (as if suddenly realizing I am a customer and he probably shouldn’t play one-upsies with me): Wow– I’m surprised. It usually doesn’t get that cold in the valley.
Me: Yeah– well, people keep giving us cold weather clothes. Time to use them!
Me: You know, since basically I”m throwing a jacket on over my pajamas when I take the dog for a walk, I don’t really have a bra on. Basically, I really am freezing my tits off.
Mate: Don’t do that. I like them.
Big T: I was going to go out and catch a bus and go look for a job. But you had to leave. I thought I’d stay home for the dog.
Dog: Sure. That’s why you didn’t leave the house.
Me to dog: NO, Johnnie, don’t eat the Kitty Roca– IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS!!!
Cat to me: If the dog was truly significant, you would allow him to make sweet love to you in the bathroom. Now scratch my places, slavebeast, scratch them!
Me to cat: Behind the tail or behind the tail, my liege? My wish is but to serve.
Me to Mary: Florida, right? We’re going to Florida in a month? It’s going to be warm, right? WAAAARRRRRRRRMMM….
Mary: Uh-huh, because 68* is warm. Sure it is.
Me to dog: Yeah, sure, come camp out on my chest. Just don’t stop radiating heeeeeeeaaaattttttt.
I understand the weather’s going to warm up a little. I, for one, can hardly wait!