Dear Agent/Editor/Whomever I’m contacting–
I’ve currently rewritten this letter so many times I’m not sure I sound like a human being. I’m trying really hard not to sound like a dork, when, in fact, dorkiness is my brand. If I could draw a picture of a dork without it looking obscene, I’d put it on my business card–it would be my icon. I’d make it the color of my hair after my worst dye job, so people would look at it and think, “There’s Amy–she’s a dork who needs to get her roots done. I know her!”
Anyway– what was I saying?
Yes– I was trying to give you all of my good points and all of the reasons you should be hella enthused about my project, but I got totally hung up on the dork thing, and now I can’t remember any of my good points. At all. I’d guess hygiene–I’m pretty sure I brushed my teeth today, and I seem to remember a shower in the last few days, so there you go. I’m a dork with good hygiene. Read my book.
Wait.
That last part–that sounds a little needy.
I’m a dork with good hygiene, we once ate lunch at a mall, and I cracked a joke I’m pretty sure you laughed at. Of course, at this stage of the game, I may have had a cliffhanger and you were laughing politely and wishing you could tackle me with a Kleenex like a second grader with a cold, but I’m going to hope there was at least a human connection there, and I’m not writing this letter to peg you in the chest from your e-mail like a flaming spear in the darkness, because I understand that would be horribly irritating and I’m trying really hard to be the opposite of that.
But see, I’m a writer–fancy that, hahahahahaha is there any way I can say that without sounding like I’m being presumptuous? No.
I got nothing.
I’m a writer, I wrote a book, do you want it?
Some people think I’m pretty good. Some people think I suck, but I’m not supposed to tell you about those people so I won’t. They don’t exist. I don’t suck AT ALL. AT ALL I tell you, there is no suck, there is only Amy, and Amy rocks, and Amy wrote or is writing a book and she knows how to use Kleenex and will you come play with her?
Me?
Would you come play with my book?
Never mind.
HERESMYQUERYANDIMTOTALLYCOOLANDIVEATTACHEDSOMESTUFFCOULDYOUREADITPLEASETHANKYOUVERYMUCHILOVEYOUBYEBYE!
*whew*
Yeah sure. I can remake my business cards–why do you ask?
Sincerely,
Amy the Dork
