Dear Diary, Today I Learned…

–Note: I will be participating in the LGBTQ Push Back fundraiser starting tomorrow. More details then– the link wasn’t live as I sat down to blog today.

Dear Diary,

Today I learned…

*  If you are participating in a blog-something and the link isn’t live, just blog anyway. Pushing the link repeatedly will not make computer “go” any more than pushing the elevator button will make elevator “go”.  You can always blog tomorrow.

* If Mate is taking kids to school to give you chance to sleep in, GO BACK TO SLEEP. Otherwise, older son will monopolize your time and make you take him to the bus stop for work.

*  If you choose not to do aqua because of bleeding through everything Goddess gave you to stem the flow reasons, Goddess will find a way to make this time unproductive for you because she is a spiteful bitch sometimes, and you can tell her I said that.

*  There is nothing like getting rerouted around the INTERSECTION TO ALL THE THINGS IN YOUR TOWN because a semi going the wrong way down the road took out a powerline pole to put a shitty day into perspective. Nobody died in the making of this shitty day. Many thanks for motherfucking mercies.

*  If the only thing keeping you sane as you crawl through ALL THE FUCKING TRAFFIC is the thought of a Starbucks sugar cookie, the odds are very very very good they will be out of sugar cookies, and you will be forced to make due with brownies, which are not really your favorite. Crying on the Starbucks barista only confuses him. Ask me how I know this.

*  Yes, I really did cry. Not my finest moment, no.

*  If you leave the house without pads because you are going to stop and buy supplies on the way, that is like tempting the Goddess to put you in traffic for two hours, ensuring that you will be bleeding through ALL THE FUCKING THINGS as you stand in line with feminine protection and four pounds of chocolate.

*  If you are standing in line at the pharmacy with feminine protection and four pounds of fucking chocolate, bleeding, that is an invitation to the Goddess to make you sales clerk especially sweet, chatty, and excited about getting you to sign up for a discount for a pharmacy you only end up going to when you’ve been crawling around in traffic for two hours unexpectedly and don’t want to go to the other pharmacy where you HAVE the savings plan.

*  If you keep your cool and smile through this, you really have earned all the fucking chocolate.

*  If you are running through the house holding your soiled clothes in one hand and wearing nothing but a T-shirt and underwear, don’t step on the towel that has lain crumpled in the hallway for two days. Odds are good the dogs used your absence to shit on it.

*  As you are hopping to the bathroom, should you stop to grab a towel, make sure it’s not from the time bomb cupboard. You know, the time bomb cupboard? The one that explodes when your day has gone to hell and you have dog shit on your foot and you need to sit down or you’ll cry?

That cupboard.

It will explode.  It did explode. I cleaned the dog shit up first, then I did the laundry, then I put on the shorts, then I sat down and cried on a friend (thank you Vicki!) then repacked the time bomb cupboard. I found two bags of Bath and Body Works soap and lotion when I was cleaning up. Did I mention the many thanks for motherfucking mercies? I was going to BUY some more of that shit because I thought we were out.

Thank you, time bomb cupboard, because I couldn’t have found that out on a day when I was wandering through the house looking for a distraction for a book that wouldn’t go.

*  If you have an hour before you have to pick the kids up and you are tired and tearful and spazzing out? Learn your lesson and use it to nap.

Goddess knows what horrors will await you if you don’t get your nap in when you should.

Peace out, diary.  Last time I took a nap, I had a dream that a naked, kelp-green carnivorous elf with pointed teeth was cleaning my toilet and eyeing my dog like a snack.  I’ll let you know if that dream is recurring or if, you know, this day has been nightmare enough.

Amy