From the Files of the Yarn Harlot


I wrote this a long time ago, b.b. (before blogging) and sent it to the Yarn Harlot–I thought it was hilarious, but Steph didn’t get a chance to answer… (or she thought I was insane–either or…) Anyway, I was posting it to the website, and thought I’d share it here first, because, you know, you guys knit and all…

The Unmeant Gift

By Amy Lane

I hope you’ll please forgive me
As I was working on your scarf
The baby’s stickiness is on it
(I swear it wasn’t barf.)
And careful as you unwrap it—
There’s Kleenex on the fold
(I swear I wouldn’t knit while I
Was suffering from a cold…)
And that little drop of wetness
In a teeny-tiny pool—
I didn’t know a single cat
Could dribble that much drool..
As I was finishing up the fringie part
The dog emitted toxic gas…
(Using her secret delivery system—
Her handy pointed ass…)
And although when it happened
It made our eyes all tear and sting
I don’t think the smell seeped in
To that pretty fringie thing…
And the rustic socks I knitted
May begin to scent-emote
The sweet exotic scent of
Eau de Kazakstani goat…
But don’t worry if your cat sucks up
To the knitting for the smell
‘Cause I usually vacuum
And I always use Purell
And I swear I’ve never needled up
When sitting on the pot
(Although I’m sorely tempted when
My plumbing isn’t working as it ought.)
And although the baby’s burping
As he’s sitting on my lap
A little spray Febrezing
Should get rid of all of that
So I hope you will forgive me
As the fumes begin to mount
And God will bless the gift-ee
Who remembers “The thought’s what counts!”

0 thoughts on “From the Files of the Yarn Harlot”

  1. gemma says:

    I was reading your “about me” when I read about the crap around the house. Crap is an old Chinese word, meaning “can’t remember anything positive”
    Have a laugh on me, I just enjoyed your poem and had a chuckle with you.
    cheers, Gemma

  2. NeedleTart says:

    We don’t *think* your crazy. We *know* you’re crazy. Thanks for the um…perspective on gifts.

  3. roxie says:

    LOL! I see you give really scentimental gifts.

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