“No, I don’t know where Spiderman is…where did you put him last? Sweetie put it down…no, down, no, give it…give…it…to…mama…no, don’t lay on the floor and cry…no, I told you, I don’t know where Spiderman is…well, where did you put him? Is he where you found Chicken Joe? HEY, IS SOMEBODY BURNING ENLISH MUFFINS OUT THERE? No, I don’t know why she’s making that noise. DON’T TOUCH THE COMPUTER, DAMMIT, I HAVEN’T SAVED!!! No, you can’t have the toothpaste either…put it down…no…give it to mama…no, no, give…it…to…mama…wow. Acting. Who knew it ran in the family? No–don’t worry, she’s fine. She’s just making that noise. CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A DIAPER? No, I don’t know where Spiderman is. Go get a diaper. What do you mean no? You can’t run around naked all day. It’s seventy degrees out–no, no pool yet. And I’m not out there. Well, I’m not out there because you people won’t let me finish. No, no, Ladybug, get up off the floor…ewww…is that a hairball stuck to your diaper? HAS ANYONE LET OUT THE DOG! Give her back her kitty! Yes, that’s nice…kitty is nice…now toddle off…no, no, go on out the door…oh, good. You found a diaper. That’s great. Now put it on. Yes, darling, that’s why they’re called pull-ups. Now…no, no, don’t sit on my lap…not HEEEERRE…get..no, get DOWN… and you, get off the floor…AND PUT THAT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT THAT’S IT! EVERYBODY GET THE HELL OUT OF THE BATHROOM, MAMA’S GOTTA FLUSH!”
And how was your morning?
The last line is a real kicker. I’d like researchers to determine where the “knowing where everyone else’s crap is when you can’t keep track of your own” gene is on the second X chromosome.
A friend of our said, women know where everything is because they have the mass detection device built in: the uterus.
Oh Amy, I had three children under 6 at one time and mornings like that were just a part of the routine. I don’t think I closed the bathroom door for years because everyone needed to know where I was. (I’m in the bathroom, that’s why the door is shut!) Now that my baby has graduated high school, mornings are more placid. And I am grateful!
OMG! I now have to explain to my coworkers why I am laughing my fool head off.
FWIW, it’s not just a mom thing. My partner and I have no kids, but I am constantly getting the “honey, where is X?” question from her. The sad thing is, I usually know.
I hope your day gets/got better. Fast!
PS Check your mailbox. No, the one on the computer……
Ah, yes. The good old days. At least I only had two and they were three years apart, at that.
My mom says she didn’t take a bath by herself for at least 5 years, and then she was lucky to get a bath by herself 3 days out of the week. Bath time became therapy/counsellor/teacher time. 🙂 I don’t take baths. I wonder if I’ll harm DD by not letting her crash my bath time.
It’s a good thing you love your kids. 🙂
I second Bunny Queen. Mornings are often like that in my childless household too!
Rolling on the floor, laughing out loud, scaring the cats! Ohmigawd you make me feel lucky! And holy hilarity, woman, you do know how to write!
Tag, you’re it!
Just trying to read a couple of blogs and maybe tap out a few comments while fending off the migraine-inducing-bullying-banshee of a three year old. So, I was going along through your post thinking, “un-hun, un-hun, yep, been there too” when I came to the punch line…I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks!