Okay– so it’s Valentines Day tomorrow, and I spent all day running around doing… well, unpleasant tasks. Laundry. Lawyer shit. Son’s dentist appointment. My own dentist appointment. Writing an obituary. Taking a nap because, in spite of all the stuff I had to do, I was still recovering a bit from my trip.
Anyway– but in the midst of this, I kept getting things.
Fun things.
Valentine things.
I got e-cards and e-mails chock full of different pictures–some funny, some obscene, and all appreciated for the heart of it. And Mate sent me flowers. Pretty ones. Thoughtful ones. Ones that made me very happy, when I really needed some help with that.
So, instead of musing on something heavy or trying to decipher all of the weirdness I’m dealing with, I’m going to give you a slash-fic valentine.
For fans of the show Sherlock, and fans of the show Warehouse 13, you’ll enjoy this. For everyone else, you’ll be very, very puzzled.
But, either way, it’s funny and it’s yours. Happy Valentines Day! Enjoy!
Jinksy and Dr. John
A Sherlock/Warehouse
13 Crossover fic
13 Crossover fic
John squinted at the glowing object at the top of the pole
he was bound to. âRadio antennae,
you think?â
he was bound to. âRadio antennae,
you think?â
âYes, John, there are radio
antennae that speak to snakes.
Everything I, as a man of reason, and you, as a man of science, have
known is wrong andâouch!â
antennae that speak to snakes.
Everything I, as a man of reason, and you, as a man of science, have
known is wrong andâouch!â
The Burmese pythons that had wound about the two of themtwisted a little tighter, and John, for one, found it was getting hard to
breathe. Their musculature was
fascinatingâor would be, if every ripple and pulse of skin and fiber didnât
creak Johnâs ribs just a fraction more.
âPerhaps,â Sherlock said, his voice subdued by lack of
breath, âthere is a rational explanation that I have overlooked for lack of
information.
breath, âthere is a rational explanation that I have overlooked for lack of
information.
âWell, yesâbut you canât say those two agentsââ
âAgents from what?
They never gave us a satisfactory explanation forâoolfâwhich department
they came fromââ
They never gave us a satisfactory explanation forâoolfâwhich department
they came fromââ
âNevertheless, they did
try to warn us that there were things we did not know.â John knew he sounded peevish, but, dammit,
the young man had been very intent about trying to tell them something without
telling them something. Sherlock
may believe that simply made him an American, but John was positive heâd been
trying to warn themâ
try to warn us that there were things we did not know.â John knew he sounded peevish, but, dammit,
the young man had been very intent about trying to tell them something without
telling them something. Sherlock
may believe that simply made him an American, but John was positive heâd been
trying to warn themâ
âThey were trying to get into your pants,â Sherlock said
bluntly.
bluntly.
âThat girl was far too young for me!â John replied, stung. Sheâd been barely twenty, and impudent
as hellâhe could have adored her as a younger sister, yes, but anything otherâ
as hellâhe could have adored her as a younger sister, yes, but anything otherâ
âPerhaps, but the boy was not. All of that âsecret informationâ youâre going on about was
no more than him making eyes at you…auuughhâŚ
dammit! If only heâd applied
his charm to the bloody snake!â
no more than him making eyes at you…auuughhâŚ
dammit! If only heâd applied
his charm to the bloody snake!â
âThatâs not where we need to apply the charm.â Johnâs vision was going black, and the
warehouse where theyâd discovered the diamond theyâd been searching for was
dim, but he still recognized the pixie-faced girl with the ripe red hair and
full lips.
warehouse where theyâd discovered the diamond theyâd been searching for was
dim, but he still recognized the pixie-faced girl with the ripe red hair and
full lips.
âClaudia!â he said gratefully.
âAnd Jinks!â Steven said behind her. The young man looked more the worse for
wear than she didâhis clothes were ripped and he was bleeding from his
sleeve. âGod, give some credit
where itâs due.â
wear than she didâhis clothes were ripped and he was bleeding from his
sleeve. âGod, give some credit
where itâs due.â
âSorry bout thatâŚâ John gasped. âSo, wonderful, the two of you are here! Do you know how to snake charm?â
âIâm sure heâs brilliant at it,â Sherlock sniped. âThe question is, can he silence thisâŚ
this pole so that these two animals
find refuge elsewhere.â
this pole so that these two animals
find refuge elsewhere.â
âThat we can do.â
Claudia was disgustingly cheerful, even as she walked in front of John
and added a wink. âEspecially the
part about the snake charming.â
Claudia was disgustingly cheerful, even as she walked in front of John
and added a wink. âEspecially the
part about the snake charming.â
âClaudia!â
Jinks whined, but his look at John through his remarkably pretty blue
eyes was hooded and knowing.
âThatâs embarrassing.â
Jinks whined, but his look at John through his remarkably pretty blue
eyes was hooded and knowing.
âThatâs embarrassing.â
âBut true,â she chirped. She got close enough to the pole to
rest her hands on the snakes as she squinted at the top. âJinksy, do you think that top piece
needs the whole pole, or do you thinkââ
rest her hands on the snakes as she squinted at the top. âJinksy, do you think that top piece
needs the whole pole, or do you thinkââ
âYeah,â he said thoughtfully, standing on Johnâs other side
and squinting up. âI think the St.
George Medallion was originally forged to go on a shield, right?â
and squinting up. âI think the St.
George Medallion was originally forged to go on a shield, right?â
âRight, which means we donât have to get the guys off the
poleâŚâ
poleâŚâ
âWe just have to glove and love the thing at the end,â Jinks
finished for her, they high-fived behind Johnâs head.
finished for her, they high-fived behind Johnâs head.
âOh God,â Sherlock muttered. âIf this were any more phallic, Iâd need a body condom.â
âAbstinence seems to be working for you,â Jinks said dryly,
and John snickered.
and John snickered.
âYou only laugh because you shag anything that moves,â
Sherlock snapped, and John craned his head as far as he could in an effort to
glare at the exasperating man.
Sherlock snapped, and John craned his head as far as he could in an effort to
glare at the exasperating man.
âOh like youâd know about shagging!â
âSo,â Jinks said, smiling at John, âwhat would he know about
shagging?â
shagging?â
âIâd know itâs impossible to shag anyone when youâre being
crushed by a giant snake,â Sherlock interrupted, and Jinks winced.
crushed by a giant snake,â Sherlock interrupted, and Jinks winced.
âJinksy, flirt later, help me up now!â Claudia said, moving
to Jinksâs side and winking at John too.
Jinks crouched and laced his fingers, his chest and arms straining as he
lifted Claudia up. She grabbed the
metal pole, and looked down.
âJohn, Sherlockâwhere are their heads?â
to Jinksâs side and winking at John too.
Jinks crouched and laced his fingers, his chest and arms straining as he
lifted Claudia up. She grabbed the
metal pole, and looked down.
âJohn, Sherlockâwhere are their heads?â
âTheyâre not toxic,â Sherlock assured her, and John heard
her huff of exasperation.
her huff of exasperation.
âWell not all snakes are toxic, but they can all bite,â she
said reasonably, and John grunted as she actually stepped on the thick, writhing body that was currently constricting his
very breath away. âSorry, John,â
she muttered, right before placing her delicate foot on his shoulder. He was grateful she was wearing light
tennis shoes as her weight came to bear, and she grabbed the metal pole tighter
as she used what she could to scale it.
âSherlock⌠sorryâŚâ John
heard Sherlock grunt and knew it was probably his turn to be used as a ladder.
said reasonably, and John grunted as she actually stepped on the thick, writhing body that was currently constricting his
very breath away. âSorry, John,â
she muttered, right before placing her delicate foot on his shoulder. He was grateful she was wearing light
tennis shoes as her weight came to bear, and she grabbed the metal pole tighter
as she used what she could to scale it.
âSherlock⌠sorryâŚâ John
heard Sherlock grunt and knew it was probably his turn to be used as a ladder.
âAre you really going to let the girl climb the pole?â John
asked, trying to see her.
asked, trying to see her.
âGirls can climb poles,â Jinks said, still smiling with
those remarkable eyes.
those remarkable eyes.
âOnly if the poles are willing,â Sherlock said acidly. âJohn, stop squirming around, youâre
agitating theâŚbugger!â
agitating theâŚbugger!â
âSherlock?â
âOh, geez!â
Jinks said, moving around to check Sherlock out. âHe got you there. Right on the thigh.â John could only imagine the playful
smile which took some of the sadness out of the eyes. âTrying to eliminate the competition, right? One snake to another?â
Jinks said, moving around to check Sherlock out. âHe got you there. Right on the thigh.â John could only imagine the playful
smile which took some of the sadness out of the eyes. âTrying to eliminate the competition, right? One snake to another?â
âCharming,â Sherlock grunted. âJohn will be obliged to check out the wound when this
little advenâŚture⌠isâŚâ
little advenâŚture⌠isâŚâ
Johnâs vision went spotty on the edges, and he dimly heard
Claudia call down. âJinksy, throw
me the glove and the love!â
Claudia call down. âJinksy, throw
me the glove and the love!â
Jinks had a foil bag, and he swung it in a careful arc,
whoop, whoop, whoop, and up! It
arced high and John craned his neck around to watch Claudia reach out a hand to
catch it. He could hear the
cellophane rustling and then he saw a giant purple flash as whatever was in the
bag ignited with the figurehead on the top of the mast.
whoop, whoop, whoop, and up! It
arced high and John craned his neck around to watch Claudia reach out a hand to
catch it. He could hear the
cellophane rustling and then he saw a giant purple flash as whatever was in the
bag ignited with the figurehead on the top of the mast.
The snakes didnât fall and they didnât slither away.
They disappeared.
John fell to his knees, gasping, and at his back he was
aware of Sherlock doing the same.
aware of Sherlock doing the same.
âHolmes?â
âObviously Iâm fine,â Sherlock grumbled, and John gave a
distracted look of thanks to Agent Jinks of wherever as the man helped him to
his feet.
distracted look of thanks to Agent Jinks of wherever as the man helped him to
his feet.
âYes, well, youâll allow me to determine that.â
âIt wasnât bad,â Jinks offered, and John was momentarily
distracted by that really nice pair
of blue eyes before he returned his attention back to the angular man, on his
hands and knees, gasping for air and grasping for logic at the same time.
distracted by that really nice pair
of blue eyes before he returned his attention back to the angular man, on his
hands and knees, gasping for air and grasping for logic at the same time.
âThatâs what you think,â John muttered. âThe snake didnât go limp, it
disappeared! Thatâs bound to cause
difficulties, you trust me!â
disappeared! Thatâs bound to cause
difficulties, you trust me!â
Jinks winced.
âYeah, it doesnât pay to get too caught up in logic when youâre
investigating certain objects in this world.â
âYeah, it doesnât pay to get too caught up in logic when youâre
investigating certain objects in this world.â
Sherlock gave a strangled gasp, and John glared at
Jinks. âShut your mouth! Do you want him to have an aneurism?
Itâs not like that fall from the building did him any good you
know!â John crouched down by
Sherlock and grasped his shoulder.
âCâmon, itâs not that bad,â he said, trying to keep his voice
brisk.
Jinks. âShut your mouth! Do you want him to have an aneurism?
Itâs not like that fall from the building did him any good you
know!â John crouched down by
Sherlock and grasped his shoulder.
âCâmon, itâs not that bad,â he said, trying to keep his voice
brisk.
âItâs fine,â Sherlock snapped, and John helped him back so
that he was leaning against the pole.
Claudia had scrambled down from the moment of the purple flash, and she
took Sherlockâs other side.
that he was leaning against the pole.
Claudia had scrambled down from the moment of the purple flash, and she
took Sherlockâs other side.
âOh, dear.â
John ripped Sherlockâs brown flannel trousers a little, and took a
better look at the snake bite. No
venom, he ascertained, but the puncture wounds were deep, and they seemed to
be⌠contaminated with a certain bit of dust. The flesh around them was swelling and turning red even as
they watched.
John ripped Sherlockâs brown flannel trousers a little, and took a
better look at the snake bite. No
venom, he ascertained, but the puncture wounds were deep, and they seemed to
be⌠contaminated with a certain bit of dust. The flesh around them was swelling and turning red even as
they watched.
âOuch!â
Sherlockâs hand clutched Johnâs and John turned his palm up and laced
their fingers temporarily.
Sherlockâs hand clutched Johnâs and John turned his palm up and laced
their fingers temporarily.
âThereâs some sort of contamination here,â he
apologized. âI think maybe
whateverâŚâ he grimaced, not
wanting to wrap his mind around the logic of it. ââŚwhatever created those
snakes, it got stuck in theâhey!â
apologized. âI think maybe
whateverâŚâ he grimaced, not
wanting to wrap his mind around the logic of it. ââŚwhatever created those
snakes, it got stuck in theâhey!â
Jinks had another cellophane bag, one heâd upended, and he
was currently squishing purple goo all over Sherlockâs thigh.
was currently squishing purple goo all over Sherlockâs thigh.
âThatâs a little invasive!â John protested.
âAnd not at all sanitaryââ
âAnd not at all sanitaryââ
âOooohhhhâŚâ
Sherlock sighed and gave a shudder. âThatâs good⌠thatâs better than drugsâŚâ
Sherlock sighed and gave a shudder. âThatâs good⌠thatâs better than drugsâŚâ
âAnd apparently medicinal,â John noted. The red streaks were fading, and the
bite marks were purging themselves of pus even as he watched. He looked at Jinks and Claudia, both of
whom seemed to have very little about them but weapons and lots of those handy
little cellophane bags, and sighed.
He reached under his button down plaid shirt, his vest, and his blazer
and yanked on his T-shirt. He
ripped at it, startling when Jinks lifted up his outer wear so he could rip a
big strip around the bottom and fold it into a pad.
bite marks were purging themselves of pus even as he watched. He looked at Jinks and Claudia, both of
whom seemed to have very little about them but weapons and lots of those handy
little cellophane bags, and sighed.
He reached under his button down plaid shirt, his vest, and his blazer
and yanked on his T-shirt. He
ripped at it, startling when Jinks lifted up his outer wear so he could rip a
big strip around the bottom and fold it into a pad.
âOh God,â Sherlock groaned. âYou canât even wait to get him alone, can you!â
âWell, the big snakes are all gone,â Jinks said, maintaining
his humor. âI was hoping maybe he
was interested in a little one.â
his humor. âI was hoping maybe he
was interested in a little one.â
âIâm not interested in his snake,â John said, not even
bothering to blush. âIâm
interested in your well-being.â He folded the T-shirt into a pad and
pressed it against the blood-smeared pale skin of Sherlockâs thigh. Sherlockâs hand covered his, and John
looked up and met those piercing blue eyes.
bothering to blush. âIâm
interested in your well-being.â He folded the T-shirt into a pad and
pressed it against the blood-smeared pale skin of Sherlockâs thigh. Sherlockâs hand covered his, and John
looked up and met those piercing blue eyes.
âYou could, occasionally, be interested in my snake,â
Sherlock said plaintively, and John stared at him, open mouthed, until Jinksâs
hand on his shoulder pulled him back to reality.
Sherlock said plaintively, and John stared at him, open mouthed, until Jinksâs
hand on his shoulder pulled him back to reality.
âItâs a shame,â Jinks said, and Claudia was next to him,
shaking her head.
shaking her head.
âIt really is,â she said. âYou havenât had a date in two years, Jinksy! For a minute there I had hope!â She looked at John, her lips pursed in
sympathy. âWell, you two need a
cab and a hotel roomââ
sympathy. âWell, you two need a
cab and a hotel roomââ
âAnd an explanation?â Sherlock insisted, much to Johnâs
relief.
relief.
âNope,â Jinks said, straightening up. âI might have told John, if our snakes
hadnât gotten crossed, but Iâm thinking after that hotel room, the extra pole
in here is going to be the last thing on your mind.â
hadnât gotten crossed, but Iâm thinking after that hotel room, the extra pole
in here is going to be the last thing on your mind.â
Sherlockâs hand tightened on Johnâs, and Claudia pulled out
her cell phone to talk to the cab company.
her cell phone to talk to the cab company.
âI donât know about you,â Sherlock said, âbut Iâve had
enough of that metaphor for probably the rest of my life.â
enough of that metaphor for probably the rest of my life.â
Johnâs eyes crinkled.
âI donât know,â he said, curling his hand around Sherlockâs calf. âMaybe thereâs still a few more inches
left in it.â
âI donât know,â he said, curling his hand around Sherlockâs calf. âMaybe thereâs still a few more inches
left in it.â
âMore than a few,â Sherlock said with dignity. âNow help me up so I can call Mycroft
and let him know his precious St. George antique has been destroyed.
and let him know his precious St. George antique has been destroyed.
âBut it hasnât,â John said, looking to the top of the pole
where the cellophane still sat.
where the cellophane still sat.
âI think a minor falsehood is in order,â Sherlock told him
judiciously. âAnd since I donât
plan on telling him what weâll be doing in that hotel room tonight, I think he
should be used to it.â
judiciously. âAnd since I donât
plan on telling him what weâll be doing in that hotel room tonight, I think he
should be used to it.â
It turned out, John didnât really care what Mycroft
thought. And there were more than
a few inches left in the entendre of snake and pole.
thought. And there were more than
a few inches left in the entendre of snake and pole.
That. Was. Awesome!! Thanks!
So, SO wrong. LMAO
Wonderful story! You captured the characters perfectly.
Happy Valentine's Day!
(btw, have you seen Elementary with Lucy Liu as Dr Joan Watson? It's very good)