Me: Some people believe that God had a woman on earth give birth to his son.
Squish: Then she would be the Goddess mommy, right?
Zoomboy: Let’s play the end-letter game. I’ll start. TigeR.
Me: Chicken, if I call my phone will you go get it?
Chicken: Yeah, sure. *listens for ring tone* There it is. Under your ten piles of crap.
Me: You had any doubts.
Me, while Mate is driving us down a BUSY URBAN road we probably drive three times a week: Ostrich.
Me: NO! There is a FUCKING OSTRICH on that bare spot of land beyond those trees. And about six zillion pigs.
Mate: Wow. Go figure.
Chicken: Here’s your phone!
Me: What did you do to it?
Chicken: Made it Japanese.
Me: Christmas Yaoi. How festive!
Chicken: But of course. And you’re welcome.
Zoomboy, holding up Steve the girl cat to Chiquita the girl dog: Hello, dog. Here is the cat you slept with!
Me (to myself): I have no idea what that means, but I bet the dog is really confused.
Big T, outside in the 50 degree weather in shorts and zorries, washing the pickup truck Mate has helped my father fix up for him: But if I was wearing cold weather clothes they’d just get wet when I washed the car.
Me: But you don’t even have your PERMIT, why does the car need to be clean?
Me (over the phone, in front of the store): Okay, so I need to buy vegetable oil. What else.
Me: So vegetable oil and nuts for the fudge.
Me: Vegetable oil and nuts for the fudge.
Chicken (snickering): Yes.
Me: Fudge nuts.
Me: Vegetable oil and nuts for the fudge, vegetable oil and nuts for the fudge, vegetable oil and nuts for the fudge… my God, there’s just no way to say that without it sounding dirty, is there?
Chicken (laughing uncontrollably): No… oh God… no…
Mate (after tasting peanut butter fudge he’s made): Oh God, that’s good.
Me: Can I have a piece?
Mate: A piece is too much. This has to be doled out in shavings.
Squish (after wrapping up a candle we have on the mantlepiece in paper towels, wrapping paper, and an entire container of tape): Do you want to open your present mom?
Me (to my editor after turning in a project): Okay– I can’t do anything else until after Christmas. Unless you can think of a way for me to knit with my hands while typing with my toes.
Me (texting to my “work wife” Mary): Sorry I dropped the conversation. Mate was busy asking me about my online girlfriend and then tickling me until I screamed.
Mary: My husband says the same thing about you.
Chicken’s best friend, after spending two hours in the car with us, looking for Christmas lights: Thank you–I had a lot of fun!
Best friend: Really– I love your family!
Me, to Mate and Chicken, after she’s walked in: I have no idea why.
Chicken: Me neither, but she keeps asking to come back.
May your holidays be merry and your Christmas/Solstice/Hanukkah be especially bright, and may you feel as blessed as I am by my family and friends, both online and IRL. I know I cannot count my blessings, because there are just too many to count.
Love and peace and wishes warm,