Hello, Advice Services?

Hi, uh, yeah.

I’m sorry, but this is gonna sound hella fuckin’ gross. Yeah. You heard me. Hella fuckin’. Sure, I’ll hold while you enter my name.

Okay then. Have you ever heard that phrase, bug in your ear?


Well, I was asleep, and I woke up and there was SOMETHING IN MY EAR. I tried to dig it out with my finger, and I think that’s when I killed it.

Well, yeah, because I tried a Q-tip after that, and all I got was exoskeleton.


But I held it together–I did. I used Debrox, and mineral oil, and I put my face in the spa and tried to direct the jet at my ear.

No, that was not comfortable, why do you ask?

Anyway, I went swimming and then I let the shower hit my ear for about fifteen minutes, and then I couldn’t stand it anymore and I stuck something in my ear.

I know I”m not supposed to do that.  No, really, I was desperate. No, I’m not going to do that again. Maybe. Did you hear the word “desperate”?  And it worked!

No, seriously. It worked. How do I know? BECAUSE I PULLED OUT HALF A BUG!

Yeah. Half.

Yeah, I know.

I know– half.

Can you hear me trying not to lose it here? Cause I’M TRYING NOT TO LOSE IT.

Cause there’s a bug in my ear and it’s HELLA FUCKIN’ GROSS!

Yeah, sure, I’ll hold. Yeah, sure, I can wait until a doctor calls me tomorrow. No, really, I can. You want to know how? I have noped right out of this sitch. This is not happening. There is no bug, there is no thorax, and I am not worried about the half a bug I didn’t see.

You know what? My husband found a bulb syringe. I’ll call y’all back.

Yeah, Advice Services?  You all can go piss up a rope because the bulb syringe did it’s work.

Some sort of flying beetle. Whatever. It’s dead.

No, I don’t want to talk about it.



Yeah, peace out to you too. I’m gonna go watch a dumb action movie and pretend I didn’t spend the last twelve hours of my life obsessing about this.

Have a nice weekend to you too.

Yeah. I’m sure I won’t have nightmares AT ALL.


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