So, 4th of July.

Never my favorite holiday.

Often there’s something doing at my parents’ house, but not always. Some years it’s just a quiet bit here, watching movies. Some years we have company.

Mostly, Mate and I lay low, trying to avoid the heat (it’s going to be unseasonably cool here tomorrow) and the smoke (the air’s been crunchy for two days straight) and the litter. (Ugh.)

It’s hard though–the kids are always SO excited about it. “Are we going to grandma’s? Are we going to see fireworks? I don’t care what they represent, dammit, I want to see pretty sky explosions like the rest of the fuckin’ planet!”

Well, we usually give our kids what they wish for, and I think tomorrow will not be different. Chicken is sort of hosting–not on purpose, but she is. There’s going to be fireworks by her apartment–you can see them from her second story window, and seriously, that’s all Squish wanted. So I’m planning to do some cooking in the early afternoon and bring it to her apartment while there’s still parking. Whee! Holiday!

I have to say– the political situation this year has done nothing to make me any more excited to celebrate Murica, that’s for sure.

But something amazing happened on Twitter in the last three days–something that started out ugly and got hilarious.

See, Alex Jones, the @#$%#^$# who started “InfoWars” is a true bilious asshole wart. He’s a pustule on fly vomit. He’s the horror show that hounds the grieving parents of school shooting victims and tries to get them to say it was all an act and they’re “crisis actors” and that their beautiful child was NOT just brutally murdered. There’s a massive lawsuit against him by the parents of Sandy Hook for cruel and unusual harassment, and I hope he loses not just his shirt, but also his skin, his toenails and his teeth, because he’s just that fucking vile.

Anyway– he tried to get Americans to incite violence against each other by announcing tomorrow “America’s Second Civil War” –claiming the liberals were going to start it.

Liberals are all, “Uh… most of us just want health care, and, oh yeah, to NOT LOCK KIDS UP IN CAGES!”

And then the humor of the situation set in.

Who’s going to start the war again?


Us folks obsessed with our wifi and our Starbucks and our avocado toast?


Not bloody likely–not according to those MAGA-hat assholes who like to call us snowflakes and laugh about our trigger warnings, anyway.

And that’s when the fun started on Twitter.

Under the hashtag #secondcivilwar people started writing 280 character tributes to the civil war that hasn’t been yet. The best ones poke fun at ourselves, at the things that obsess liberals in popular culture, at a liberal’s well-established pet peeves. A few Republicans have tried to troll the hashtag–Orrin Hatch did an especially ghastly attempt–but they have no sense of irony, no snark, no sense of self-deprecation, and no humor. It’s painful to watch them try.

So I’ve embedded a few here (and I hope this works) to share. Because they were funny, and we desperately needed funny, that’s why.

Sorry. I can’t participate in the #SecondCivilWar tomorrow. I have bone spurs. But I can throw paper towels out of a moving vehicle if anyone needs me.

— JEN KIRKMAN (@JenKirkman) July 3, 2018

Dear heart, today we took a captive. We forced him to do hard labor. So far he has baked 75 gay wedding cakes. Adam and Steve’s battle-side ceremony was beautiful, they thank you for the toaster. #secondcivilwarletters

— Amanda Deibert 🏳️‍🌈 (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2018

Questions re: the #SecondCivilWar:
What is the dress code? Is someone already bringing cloth napkins? Are +1s allowed? Will there at any point be a drum circle, yoga class, or mimosa bar?

Why wasn’t I invited? I’m sorry I let my NPR donation lapse.

— stone biscuit (@igneousscone) July 3, 2018

I’ve had ZERO luck finding a tank for tomorrow like my Sgt. instructed.  I did however find a Hyundai Santa Fe with a third row so I can take some extra troops with me if I take out the booster seat.  #secondcivilwar

— DI$ARM the NRA (@Trumpalump) July 3, 2018

It is w/ a heavy heart that I must tell you that the flip flops you gave me have let me down. We were caught up in the battle of Covfefe Junction & they gave me a terrible blister on my toe.
I fear for the worst. Pls send wine &  a pair of socks. #SecondCivilWar

— Katiedid 🌊 (@IrishNorsewoman) July 3, 2018


My beloved wife,

I beseech thee to get thee busy knitting more pink pussy hats. We find that they enrage the enemy and cause them to fall about in consternation

— Fred Dyer (@fcdyer) July 3, 2018

I could go on… and on and on and on…
But I”m sure you’ll check it out for yourselves.
For me, it was enough that people turned something almost unbearably ugly into something hilarious and self-deprecating.
If I can celebrate nothing else tomorrow, I can celebrate that.

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