I must blog before the outage!!!

Seriously–I was going to do this angst-filled middle-aged return to teen mother/daughter dysfunction (my mother, not my daughter) and then I saw the deal saying “outage at 11:00” and suddenly I was posting without rhyme nor reason. Pavlov had nothin’ on the internet, I’m telling you…

About the mother/daughter dysfunction (without the angst…) I’ll make it quick–

We went to get my kids, and I mentioned that for our 20 year anniversary (we have two years to go) Mate and I were thinking either

A. Have a huge-ass reception at a hall and everything and a D.J. with mor e people than came to our actual wedding. (Mom’s reply to this? “You had lots of people at your wedding.” Yeah, mom–80 people, including the bridal party–it was as route. Really.)


B. Ditch the kids with her and go to Europe. I was really partially kidding about that last one–I was looking at Ladybug as I said it and I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her for a month–even two years from now, when she’s a little older. But suddenly my mom was giving me all sorts of grief.

“I didn’t go to Europe until I was…” *In your forties, mom–just like I’m going to be.*

“But all my children were moved out…” *Except my sister, mom–and she had a baby.* And you took her and the baby anyway. And didn’t have enough money to help me with my college tuition for my last semester of student teaching like you promised. So we put it on credit cards that we’re probably still paying off. (Didn’t say that last part. But yes. I’m still bitter.)

“But you’d have to leave the children…” (Like I said, I wasn’t all pro on this–but her arguments were starting to hurt my feelings. It was a lot of ‘Do as I say and not as I did and obviously enjoyed.’) *Mom–you left us with Grandma for weeks at a time!*

“But not when you were this age!” Ladybug will be almost four!

“Well I’m not going to keep them–that’s just what you get when you have small children!” I looked around the porch, where my four children were watching this with interest. I mean, I always knew she hadn’t approved of the last two–she was very population control in the 60’s, and I just went and blew her whole philosophy with my ginormous family. I barely got a congratulations when I told her I was pregnant with Ladybug. She babysits maybe once every three months–and usually only the tweens–she only lives fifteen miles away. The day before I had caught an earful about the last 15% that Cave Troll isn’t potty trained, and now, suddenly, I was being punished. *Bad Amy, you had too many kids, that’s it, no Europe for you. I’m not going to catch you when you screw up this time…nope, you’re on your own now.* Because, you know, I don’t know what it’s like to have kids, right? I didn’t understand sacrificing for my children when I dropped out of the Master’s program, or when I leave my babies with a stranger so I can earn a living for the lifestyle they deserve? Was there some part of the child-bearing experience that I missed the first time around?

I could go off in excruciating detail about my family and about how badly I haven’t screwed up in comparison, but what it really came down to, as I turned around and walked off the porch and into the house so my big fat mouth wouldn’t royally fuck me up, was that my life choices were unsatisfactory, and so were my younger children, and that was just a cross I would have to bear on my own.

Ladybug is currently whistling through her Dora straw cup and reading a Thomas book while wearing a diaper. She wants me to read to her. I’m going to go do that, and remember how exquisitely my life doesn’t suck, and how living with my choices can be a wonderful thing.

0 thoughts on “I must blog before the outage!!!”

  1. Galad says:

    Congrats on realizing your mom’s disapproval does not invalidate your choices. Don’t you hate it when maturity sneaks up and derails a perfectly good rant! Enjoy your time with Ladybug.

  2. Eff her. Sorry. I know she’s your mother and all, but really. Eff her.

  3. gemma says:

    Wahoo, stand up to mum, she’s a serious grump. I have four kids, and ran off to Europe when the youngest was about 10 1995(so long ago, sigh) (for the first and only trip to Europe too I might add). Just do something for yourselves, its something to dream about, and plan for. The kids will be fine, and happy parents make happier ladybug & co.

  4. Louiz says:

    Mmmm, yeah. Your choices, not hers… and yeah, come to Europe(esp if that includes London!)

  5. roxie says:

    It’s interesting how a mother’s criticism says so much more about her than it does about her child. Is she, maybe, just a little jealous of the thought that you might be going to Europe and she won’t? And the whole population control issue – ask her which two of the four you should get rid of. She was probably just tired and feeling cranky and had to be mean to somebody, and she knew you would love her anyhow.

  6. Catie says:

    I’m glad you stand behind your choices

  7. Parent’s aren’t always right. They’re just humans trying to make it through the day, just like everyone else. If you think you’ll enjoy the trip and have fun, then go. Someone else will watch the kids and be happy to do so.

  8. Ach, geez. Thanks for all the positive thoughts, there, mom.

    Sorry she’s being a ball of negativity, Amy. That just plain sucks.

  9. Susan says:

    I love, love, LOVE this post, dearest. Went positively Zen whilst reading it. You had me. You totally had me. So tonight I’m going to smile all throughout my 5mph roll along 8 miles of I-95 and think about enjoying my Jujube for our precious short time together, unwatered garden and unanswered mail and unfolded laundry be damned! There’s a Backyardigan dance to dance and a Thomas & Friends track to assemble and a childhood to (re-)live.

    Europe will be there for a little while longer. You’ll get there and maybe, by then, the dollar will have improved and you’ll be able to have WAAAAAAY more fun.

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