Intellect Disconnect

This morning, the following things happened before 8:30 a.m.

* I woke up at 5:00 in the morning to take care of writing business and the internet was down, all day.
* I left on time for work and got there late because traffic in front of the school was SO bad I spent fifteen minutes in front of the school trying to get to the parking lot.
* An administrator walked into my room while I was trying to pull my morning schedule out of an orifice–I felt foolish. (She was fine–she even got to walk in when I was reminding everybody conscientiously to put their electronics away.)
* As she left, the overhead projector bulb went out.
* While the kids were working on their warm-up (the wrong way because it was up on the board instead of on the overhead) I booted up my computer and checked my messages. There was one from Mary (*waves!) saying,“Hey, did you see Whipped Cream gave “Whim” four and a half stars?” (This is especially close to my heart because Whim did not get a lot of attention when he came out, and I really loved him!)
* I made a *woot!* sound and broke their concentration on the board work. And then I had to explain (sort of) and then… when I’d just got the class BACK ON TRACK AFTER ALL THIS OTHER BULLSHIT…
* The custodian arrived with the extra chairs I requested because this class has enough students to split the seams of my portable.

The only good thing? When I complained to Mary about my students probably feeling like the entire day was watching a squirrel in a hamster ball, she said, lesson plan? Put this on the board: Fall of the Roman Empire: Discuss.

I was like, “Best. Lesson Plan. Ever.”

And, in other random crap:

Chicken: “Okay–how many people have been dipping cookies in my milk?”
Me: “Is that a euphemism? Because if it is, it’s just disturbing!”
Chicken: “Yeah, mom–feel free to use it. But seriously–how many people had cookies and used my milk while it’s on the table?”
Me: “At least three–can I really use that? Because I’m telling you, that’s a good one!”

Chicken: “Why does my back hurt?”
Mate: “Did you do any housework?”
Chicken: “Yes.”
Mate: “Did you clean the catboxes?”
Chicken: “Yes dad, that’s not why my back hurts!”
Mate: “Did you pick up the floor?”
Chicken: “Da-ad! YES I did something more than lie around and read all day! thanks a lot! My back really hurts–“
Me: “Your back hurts because you laid sideways on the beat-to-shit stuffed chair. It tweaks me out too.”
Chicken: “I love you mommy.”

Big T (general conversation): “Mom, could you do this for me?”
Me: I’m really tired. Could we not?
Big T: “Okay, fine. Can you do it now?”
Me: “Can I wait until it’s all quiet (or I’m not falling asleep) before I read your story/have this in depth conversation/discuss your college plans/discuss for the fifteenth time why you failed your driver’s training test/etc. etc. etc.?
Big T: “Sure. Can we talk about it now?”
Me: *hysterical sobbing fit*
Big T: “Sorry mom. Are you okay?”
Me: “Your timing sucks honey.”
Big T: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “That’s okay.”
Big T: “Can we talk about it NOW?”
Me: *sob*


Zoomboy, after running to the end of the house so he can launch himself at me like a rocket made of razor bones: “Did I hurt you, mom?”
Me: “No, sweetie, I’m fine.”
Zoomboy: “Okay, let me try it again!”


Me, in Wal-Mart: “OKay, let’s go get school supplies and clothes for the big kids.”
Kids: ‘Okay!”
Squish: “Can I get shoes and clothes?”
Me: “No! We’re going to get school supplies for the big kids!”
Squish: “Goody! I’m a big kid! Am I going to Kindergarten?”
Me, anticipating giant tantrum: “No, sweetheart, you’re going to get shoes and clothes. And a purse. And some bubble bath. And how about some earrings…”

Nameless Dumbass Colleague in Staffroom Who Should be Smacked Because He’s the One Who Felt It Was Unfair To Say This Workplace Was Hostile To Women: “Here… this is me! I’m doing an impression of Lane’s vibrator… It’s breaking down!” (What followed were some TRULY disturbing sound effects that I will not try to reproduce here.)

(later, after lunch room has cleared out, completely disturbed) “So, Lane–I didn’t offend you, did I?”

Me: “No worries. I’m totally plotting your revenge fic right now. I’m slashing you with a three-hundred pound gorilla with dirty fingernails and leather underwear.”

Nameless Dumbass Colleague: “Yeah, but I’m giving it, right?”

Me: “You wish. Stock up on lube, vibrator boy.”

0 thoughts on “Intellect Disconnect”

  1. Donna Lee says:

    Sounds like life is normal right now.

  2. At least you're ready for the day. I still want to be curled up in bed.

  3. roxie says:

    So are you ready to talk about it now? There is a great deal to be said for persistence. Do you suppose he might agree to persuade Barnes and Noble to carry my books? I give up too easy.

    Love this post. You have such a good ear. (Hey little boy, you wanna dip your cookies in my milk?)

  4. Chris says:

    You seriously told Nameless Obnoxious Colleague that?? How did I manage to miss that when you told me the story?! AWESOME.

  5. ElaineG says:

    I love that you can turn any situation or conversation into an amusing anecdote for us to giggle at. Wish I had that talent, I just seem to lay in bed at night and think of all the things that DIDNT happen, in order to feel better about what DID lol! You make me see my family in a whole new light 🙂

  6. Louiz says:

    Going to watch out for your use of dipping cookies in milk…

  7. Galad says:

    Yep, sounds like a typical start of school year at your house 🙂

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