It was a JOKE, I SWEAR!

Rather important things in my life that have started off as a half-assed, crackbrained, fluff-butter, icing-on-the-crazy-cupcake joke.

“So, we’re living together, right?  I mean, we are going to get married, right?”

“So, uhm, we’re married now.  We can have kids and nobody will think we’re irresponsible, right?”

“No, I’m SERIOUS!  I had this dream that my grandmother was teaching me how to crochet and I FINALLY figured it out!  So I picked up a how-to book, some yarn, and a needle– I mean, what’s the harm, right?”

“Yeah, well, all the magazines had patterns for knitting and crochet.  I hate being left out!”

“So, we’re thirty-six, and we’ve got three now, let’s close up shop when we’re forty… let’s see, it took nine years between Thing 2 and Thing 3, so there’s no way we could get pregnant again before THEN!”

“So, my friend was just TEACHING CLASS the other day, and this goober dog wandered into his class room.  He wants to give her to us, and a matching cat, too.”  (That cat lasted six years–not bad, really.)

“Wait, wait!  Pet-Smart’s having an adoption today?  Well, we ARE down to one cat!”

“Well, the house may be crappy, but at least it’s dead center between our two jobs, right?”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been soliciting Vulnerable to different houses, but nobody wants it.  You say iUniverse is having a sale?  Awesome!  We’ll self publish, give it to all our friends and sell, like, four copies?”

“OMG OMG OMG!  So, like, Lynn, from Dreamspinner Press, put out this AWESOME commercial from and she wanted a story written to it– so I DID, and she LIKES it!  Isn’t that cool?”

“Yeah, why not let my students read my books?  Jesus, compared to what they read ordinarily?  I mean, what’re
they gonna do, ask me to stop?”  (Too soon?  Yeah… too soon…)

“Well, hell… we’ve got this severance money– what, so we go to Hawaii?”

“So, like what the hell am I going to put on all these vellum sheets for Dreamspinner?  Yeah, they want them in the front cover of my books… well, I put Blood like Rain, Amy Lane in front of my Little Goddess books… I know, I know, wait!  Angst and pain, Amy Lane– right?  Because, you know, it rhymes, right?”

“Hey, Chicken!  You need to design something for me!  A big ol’ dragon, eating plotbunnies, okay?  Yeah, make the plotbunnies cute!  That’s sadistic!  I love it!”

“I need swag if I’m going to GRL?  Seriously?  Why?  Can I just sort of bail on that, right?  No?  Well Jesus, what kind of bullshit am I going to come up with?”

“Ohmigod!  So, get this!  I’m like, doing an activity book, right, and it occurs to me!  All that time in public education, and I can’t wait until I’m a full time writer, right?  So what do I do to celebrate?  I GIVE MY FANS A BOOK FULL OF TESTS!  Can you believe that bullshit?”  *laughs*  *shakes head*  “Seriously.  Who put me in charge?”

In my house?  Seriously.  Don’t ask.  You can all see the evidence that it’s not going to end well.

0 thoughts on “It was a JOKE, I SWEAR!”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Amy, we love you just the way you are!

  2. roxie says:

    LOVE the Angry Activity book!

    Would Chicken design a fairy for me? A cigar-chomping Tinkerbell with a shotgun? I want to embroider her on my denim jacket.

    A friend has a phrase she often repeats to me."This is one of those things we might talk about, but we will never do." Like using GlassWax and a stencil to put smiley faces on the windows of all the cars in the faculty parking lot. Like a pink-wig flashmob at the county fair. Like dropping live eels into the boatloads of cheerleaders and other bimbos who come downriver to flash the sailors during the Rose Festival.

  3. Anonymous says:

    This is why you are one of my favorites. 🙂

  4. Those poor plot bunnies…

  5. Donna Lee says:

    Dearheart, you can be in charge anytime!

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