Letters to the Ether, Redux

Dear nice lady in the Drive-Thru at McDonalds–

It really was your turn to go, so waving you forward was not a hardship. However, when you paid for my morning meal, it really made my day and gave me a little faith in humanity. I’m so appreciative.

Sincerely sincerely–

Amy

*  *  *

Dear dumbass dog–

You know that walk you like so fucking much? It doesn’t get to happen when you chew your halter off a week after we buy it. Every. Fucking. Time. If you’re lucky I’ll buy you a new one tomorrow, dumbass.

P.S. When I take you walking, you’re not allowed to crap on the floor. It’s the law. So there.

Sincerely, Me.

*  *  *

Dear dumbass dogs, both of you–

You’ve seen me pee before. Get out of the bathroom and get over it.

I’m fucking sayin’.

Me again.

*  *  *

Dear Cat–

No, I haven’t cleaned the table. Yes, the food is still the same place as ever. No, you can’t walk on my computer. Yes, I still love you enough to give you cat noogies.  Same time, same place tomorrow?

I thought so.

Be safe out there, boo-boo.

Cat Mom.

*  *  *

Dear family–

I”ve cooked before– I know I have. Please stop asking me what that wonderful aroma is and making big eyes and “ooooooh” faces. If it sucks, I’ll have sacrificed the ass of a pig for no apparent reason than to feed the dogs, we all know it’s true.

P.S. I don’t think Big T should be totally responsible for the kitchen. I think short people need to do something too.

P.P.S. And I think we can clean more of the things than this.

P.P.P. S.  But stay away from my stuff.

I love you– have a street taco!

Mom

*  *  *

Dear Squish–

Just because you see my roots doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly gotten older. It just means you’ve gotten old enough not to mention it. Besides, I’m dying my shit tomorrow, so chill.

Mom

*   *  *

Dear Zoomboy–

We’re awfully proud of you for asking a girl out to a dance, hon. We’re sorry she picked the other scrawny seventh grader with a big head and big feet (cause y’all look that way–I’ve watched your entire class walk out of school, it’s scary) but I think in the future when you’re something both famous and interesting, she’ll regret it.

Mom

*  *  *

Dear Mate–

I’m sorry, but yes. I’m going to San Francisco to work this weekend. I shall enjoy it, but it shall not– I repeat not be compared to your weekend in Vegas which I totally condoned even if it led me to watch the movie Pixels, because ugh. You owe me for that. I’m not even playing.

But I”ll miss you, baby.

I have total faith in you, and I k now you’ll feed the children, open the doors when it’s cool, feed the animals, and get everyone to soccer on time. However I do worry that you’ll get enough sleep and I know you don’t sleep well without me, so I’ll come back early, ‘kay?

Your Wife

*  *  *

Dear World–

See y’all y’all at Yaoi-Con–don’t forget to stop and say hi to me and Shira Anthony and Venona Keyes and EM Lynley and of course Mary my Mary– we’ll be looking forward to it, starting Friday 🙂

Amy