* Okay, the other night, I was wearing one of my Little Goddess promotional T-shirts, and we learned how well Zoomboy can read. “Ba-ack… back oooffff. Th…the man go-ds arrrrrrrrrrre miiiinnne. Cause there’s an e on the end, right? So your T-shirt says, Back Off. The man-gods are mine! Is that right mom? I read your T-shirt!!!”

* So, this evening, I was walking around the neighborhood when I hear the sound of little dog who thinks he wants to eat me. The little dog’s daddy, who is about six-feet gazunga and outweighs me is standing up by the garage with the light at his back (the better to look imposing, of course) was yelling at the little dog to get back to the garage, dammit and stop barking. But no, the little dog had to get a better look at me, and he came charging down the pavement to eat me, and then I pulled a mindfuck on him and turned around to say ‘Hi’.


The little goombah went charging back up to daddy, who was looking at me like I was some sort of dog-kicker, and I turned to the behemoth in the shadows with my hands up. “Dude, I swear I was just turning to make sure I didn’t step on him. I didn’t mean to freak him out. I’m SOOOOO sorry!” The guy watched me suspiciously as I rounded the corner and his little rat-fink of a dog sat down and snickered to himself I am just sure.

* We had this little Cupid decoration for valentines day– you’ve seen that sort of thing. Two cupids, facing each other, a little heart with an arrow through it between them. But the damn thing keeps falling off the hook on the front door. This evening, it fell down and the heart broke off, leaving two extensions about waist level, thrusting up between our two little naked men. The results were… well, highly appropriate for someone who writes what I do, but not so appropriate for a mother of four living across from the church. We took the decoration down, but not before my oldest son and I laughed our asses off. “That looks wrong,” I said helplessly. “Very. Very. Wrong.”

* Okay, this happens two out of three times a week. I open the door for Zoomboy and Chicken to get in and Zoomboy sits down and screams. “Ohhhhhh!!!! I gotta go to da battrooommmmm!!!!” Shit. The first bathroom within striking distance is at Beverly’s craftstore, home of Red Heart and Lion Brand and *shudder* Beanie Babies and WebKinz.

“OKay, fine,” I mutter direly. “But we’re not spending a penny. We’re just going in, using the bathroom, and coming out.”

We got away only $15.00 poorer today. (The last time it happened we bought the little decoration with the cupids, pre-outing from the holiday decoration closet.) Tomorrow, I’m gonna make his sister take him to the bathroom BEFORE he gets in the car.

* This morning I had a long talk with a student who has read my books. I was trying to describe the difference between ‘gritty reality’ (which Promise Rock has been accused/praised for more than once) and the way I see the world.

“You see, Jacob, the thing is, it’s like turkeys.”


“Yeah. Turkeys. This morning, if it hadn’t been an inservice day, I would have been late. Why? Because of the goddamned turkeys. There were about thirty turkeys in the middle of crossing the road, and there I was at a stop sign, two cars behind me, and we’re waiting for–you guessed it…”


“Yeah, turkeys. So here’s the thing. This is a normal suburban neighborhood. I don’t wear eau de horny turkey, nor do I spray it on my car. The damned things just ARE. And they’re just THERE. So if I can be late for turkeys, why can’t Deacon have a day like the one in the chapter called Broken Levees, Dead Horses and Driving While Gay? Why can’t Crick decide to rebel by joining the army? Why wouldn’t the homeless people who came into Cory’s gas station be something supernatural? Because, you know, the world is just that random.”

“You’re right, Ms. Lane. It really all does come down to turkeys.”

* Today, Squish gave me directions home. Thank God. I’ve been making that commute for only twelve years, and I never would have been able to make it if she hadn’t told me to “Turn here and GO mama… I don’t CARE if the other cars have stopped!”

0 thoughts on “LMAO”

  1. Louiz says:

    Cool reading ability, and LMAO about the decorations!

  2. Donna Lee says:

    In our neighborhood, it's the geese. You never know when a goose will crop up and just f things up.

  3. Chris says:

    I love random lists! Um, where's our picture of the new & "improved" Valentine's decoration? 😉

  4. It's nice to know I'm not the only person to have a supervisor. I don't know how I'd get my contacts in without Fran to ensure I was doing it right.

  5. roxie says:

    You may have been taking that route for twelve years, but the Squish has been doing it all her life!

    Yay for the literate Zoom boy!

    Putti (those fat little winged babies) are supposed to be sexless. Somehow I'm not surprised that yours wound up with errections.

    The minister was reading a real barn-burner of a sermon to his congregation and got to the part where he was hollaring, "And the wickedness is so widespread that there are even people having carnal intercourse with farm animals. Man, made in the image of God, and so depraved as to consort with cows, horses, dogs, turkeys and sheep!"

    And from the back of the congregation came a voice of complete disgust – "Turkeys?"

  6. DecRainK says:

    Squish is the cutest

  7. Galad says:

    I've now gone from imagining Donna Lee riding her bike to your broken Valentine decoration. I think my brain just got whiplash 🙂

    I love your kid stories – always good for a giggle.

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