Mom’s a Flake, but We Knew That

Me: Oh crap–I can’t find the keys. 

Squish: Mom, the Tile!
Me: Yeah, here, you want to do it?
Squish: Uh, Mom?
Me: What?
Squish: The keys are outside?
Me: Crap. Give me the phone.  I need to call your dad to come unlock the car. 
Squish: Cool. I”m gonna go watch YouTube.  
Seriously– who needs to cut class when mom does it for you?
* * *
Tonight was Open House for Squish, AND soccer practice. So Mate and I decided that I’d go to Open House, he and Squish would do soccer practice as usual and ZoomBoy…
Well, ZoomBoy would hang out at home.
Which is fine. He’s thirteen. No worries.
Unless, of course, you don’t tell ZoomBoy.
In the middle of Open House I get the following text:
ZB: Mom?
Me: Yeah?
ZB: Am I supposed to be alone?
Me: Is it BAD that you’re alone?
ZB: No. Just making sure I’m supposed to be alone.
Me: Well not FOREVER. I’ll be home with groceries around 8:30.
ZB: Cool.
*  *  * 
A woman came out of the cafeteria at Open House with a beautiful baby, and while the school secretary and I were losing our collective shit over this pre-Raphaelite cherub, the mom and I started talking. She’s the new art docent leader, and I’m so excited, because I’m going to be art docent again!  Also, she’s starting a crochet/knit craft club.
I said, “So, uh, about ten years ago I made the switch from acrylic to wool–“
“Oooh…” she said, no irony at all. “You must be really good!”
So, uh, shh.  Don’t tell the nice woman that I’m a total fraud, okay?
* * *
Mate, over phone: Dammit! I need to go to Staples again! 
Me, wandering around my office space, wondering when the maid quit and remembering– WE NEVER HAD A MAID! : Why hon? What happened? Didn’t you just go?
Mate: I bought a new hole punch and it DISINTEGRATED with the first little bit of pressure.
Me: Do we still not know where the old one went?
Mate: No idea.
Me *idly looking through my pen drawers*:  Oh. Hey. It’s right here. Don’t worry about Staples. I’ve got you covered.
Mate: Really?
Me: Totally serious. Just looking me in the face.
Mate: Cool. I mean, seriously. Cool.
Me: Well, you sacrifice enough to the junk drawer, sometimes it answers your prayers.
Night everybody!

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