We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog post for the following advertisement of a fictional product:
Step right up, ladies and gentleman, I have an idea for the next big thing, the kickstarter of 2018, the invention we’ve all been waiting for.
It’s not the Tile, folks, but it’s close, and it’s not the keyless entry beep cause it’s better.
It’s the “Holler Back” ap, a feature that hooks your phone to your car so your car can go apeshit bananas when you lose it in the parking lot.
Are you like these people, this mother and her daughter, scratching their heads with a cart full of party supplies, wondering where in the fuck they parked the goddamned car?
Then we suggest the “Holler Back” ap–it keys in to your car, much like your bluetooth, but instead of the soothing tones of Offspring and the Foo Fighters, it gives you the words on speaker that will get your attention in the crowded madness of pre-holiday Target.
This feature is fully customizable and it comes with over thirty holler-backs including–
The I’m Fabulous holler–“Hey, girlfriend! Your car is right over here, doll, can you see the pink fuzzy dice in the mirror?”
The Soccer Mom holler–“Dammit, Kenny, stop picking your nose and make your mother look down this aisle!”
The Blue Collar Dad holler–“Hey, DUMBASS! Your fuckin’ car is RIGHT OVER HERE!”
The Dumb Kid Trying to be Tough holler–“Yo, whassup, dawg, yer wheels are over here, ya feel me?”
The Surfer/Slacker holler–“Dude! Did you lose your car? That’s SO not cool!”
The Shy College Student holler– “Uh, hey? Hello? Don’t worry, this happens a lot, but if you follow the smell of patchouli and the theme song to Overwatch, you’ll find your used Crown Vic out here in left field!”
And so much more!
So come on down, folks, just hit a couple of buttons on your phone, connect to your car, let their airwaves make sweet lurve to each other and BOOM! You too can be driving out of the Target parking lot like all the other satisfied customers who can easily find their cars.
And now that the advertisement is over… can someone please invent this app?