Oh, Boy! C’mere Boy!

C’mere, darling, I want you to take down a memo.  Yes, yes, of course I know you’re busy cleaning the kitchen table– leave it alone for a moment while I turn the stair master down.  That’s right.  Are you set?  Yes, here we go.

“Dear powers-that-be, in the future, when providing me with an assistant to clean my house, run my beauty appointments, walk my dog, pick the children up from school, do the shopping, the cooking, send my packages, keep track of my appointments, help schedule my travel itinerary, count my calories, remind me when to leave for my workout, blah blah blah blah blah, could you kindly, in the future, make sure this assistant is someone other than myself?”

There, boy, do you have that down?  Excellent.  So, what are you making me for dinner?  Slop.  Hmm… not my first choice, do you have anything else?  Asparagus?  Oh my, that’s original.  Well, there is that pee-stink thing, maybe not.  How about something, I don’t know… lo cal and green.  But not lettuce.  Or broccoli, or cauliflower, or stamped carrots, or green beans or… what do you mean that’s about all my options?  Cucumber?  Oh, if I must.

And what will *I* be doing while you’re doing this?

Nothing much really.  Dreaming.  Well, yes, they call it reading or writing, but really, what I’m doing is… you know.  Dreaming.  Wait.  Where are you going?  What do you mean you want to work somewhere your service is appreciated!  What am I supposed to do if you’re not here to clean my table and cook my dinners and scrub my toilet?  You can’t just quit!  You’re my… my…

Uhm.  You’re my imaginary employee.  *sigh*

Hey kids!  Bad news!  The houseboy quit, the house is a shithole, and we’re having Taco Bell for dinner tonight!  What do you mean what was I doing all day?  Mommy was *think think think*  WORKING!  That’s right!  Mommy was WORKING!  Yeah, I know it looks a lot like sitting at the computer and surfing, but I SWEAR there was some work going on there.  Honest.  Seriously.  I get paid and everything!  Wait… come back… who’s gonna spring for my super awesome retirement home when all this dreaming gets to be too much!!

*double sigh*

This whole writing thing is a very odd business, isn’t it?  Don’t answer that.  Because I’m talking to myself, that’s why!  Well, yes.  That IS  a good idea.  My character COULD do that!  Oh, wait–not only am I talking to myself, I’m answering back.  Uh-oh.  Shh… We’ll just keep this between us, okay?

*waves*  Hi, everyone!  So, uhm, how’s YOUR week?