Oh, That Spider Was Real

We have a black widow living in a bolt hole by our garage stairs.  Everyone knows about her, she just hangs out and picks low-hanging flies.  I’m not squeamish about killing her, but the thing is, whenever one of the kids sees her, they scream and tell me, “Mom!  There’s a spider here!”  And then she disappears into her bolt hole.  And, well, I’m not really big about sitting in the garage with a shoe, waiting for her to come out and meet her unmaker. So, we’re all careful not to disturb her when we go down the stairs, and we just bide our time and wait, patient as a… well, you know!  And honestly, it would be GREAT if she would kill a few more flies.  Ugh.  They’re all coming inside to die now that it’s gotten cold outside.  Their life cycles are way too long!

And speaking of obnoxious…

Zoomboy and Squish went trick-or-treating last night.  We didn’t get pictures of them, because it was dark, but we DID get pictures when we went on Saturday, (you saw the one of Squish!) and that was cool.  But trick-or-treating this year turned out to be something of a revelation.

Squish was not feeling well– her ear tubes are swollen with the weather and allergies, and she was trying to be a trooper, but our usual in-your-face Squish was just a little droopy last night.  So, well, her brother took his chance to prove how much he’s grown in the last couple of years.

Now back when we were getting him assessed for ADHD, the pediatric shrink said something interesting–and, it’s something that, out of context, sounds really heinous, but which actually turns out to be true.  He said that being a kid w/ADHD is particularly tough because your parents are always riding your back to focus, your teachers always think you could do better if you tried, and you often HAD NO friends because you were obnoxious!

I was skeptical at the time– Zoomboy didn’t say anything to anybody– was really not particularly obnoxious.

Well, that was second grade.

Welcome to fourth grade, where obnoxiousness abounds.  Trick-or-treating with Zoomboy this year went like this:

Kids, up at door:  Trick-or-treat

Victim of candy mugging:  Oh, aren’t you all dressed up.

Squish: Thank you.  Happy Halloween.

Zoomboy:  Yes, I am a pirate.  I have a bag for my booty– get it (turns around, wiggles tush) booty?  And I had a parrot, but it was missing a leg, and it was a fake parrot, but see?  I still have a hook.  Do you like the way I’m carrying my booty bag, on my hook?  Get it?  Booty bag?  That’s my sister, Squish.  She’s a cat.  We have a real cat at home, two.  One of them is my sister’s cat, he’s Gordy, but there’s my mom’s cat too, that’s Steve, and she’s a girl cat, but she’s got a boy’s name.  Steve keeps trying to carry off the fake parrot with only one–

Mom, calling to kids in mortification: Say thank you!

Kids: Thank you!

Mom, to helpless victim of candy mugging:  Happy Halloween!

Dazed and helpless victim:  Happy Halloween!  Good luck!

(I have no idea what that last part was for, do you? )

Now see, this sounds funny– and to some extent it’s HILARIOUS.  As we were trick-or-treating, Big T got home, and Mate left him home to dole out candy while he joined us in the trick-or-treating.  I told him to just follow the sound of Zoomboy’s talking, and he did–and was mortified along with me.  But to some extent, Zoomboy missed a lot of things in his monologue, and that’s too bad.  For example, there’s this conversation we had with a parent waiting for his children to return from their own muggings:

Zoomboy:  I am a pirate.  I have a bag for my booty– get it (turns around, wiggles tush) booty?  And I had a parrot, but it was missing a leg, and it was a fake parrot, but see?

Parent:  You had a bird?

Zoomboy:  Yes, but it’s missing a–

Parent:  You mean like this bird?  *peels back jacket to show a tiny live parakeet cuddling on his shoulder*

Zoomboy:  Yes, but mine’s fake, and it’s missing a leg, and I still have a hook.  Do you like the way I’m carrying my booty bag, on my hook?  Get it?  Booty bag?

Mom:  IT’S A BIRD!  OMG OMG OMG– DID YOU SEE, ZOOMBOY?  HE’S GOT A BIRD!  (There was not so much shouting with this, but there was considerable jumping up and down, flapping hands and cuting out!)

Zoomboy:  Uh-huh, it’s a bird. That’s my sister, Squish.  She’s a cat.  We have a real cat at home, two.  One of them is my sister’s cat, he’s Gordy, but there’s my mom’s cat too, that’s Steve, and she’s a girl cat, but she’s got a boy’s name.  Steve keeps trying to carry off the fake parrot with only one–

And then there was this one:

Zoomboy:  I am a pirate.  I have a bag for my booty–

Nice Man Who REALLY decorated:  Did the skeleton work?  Did you like that?

Zoomboy: Do you get it (turns around, wiggles tush) booty?  And I had a parrot, but it was missing a leg, and I couldn’t bring it.  But look–

Me:  I didn’t see the skeleton work, really.

Zoomboy:  I still have a hook.  Do you like the way I’m carrying my booty bag, on my hook?  Get it?  Booty bag?

Nice Man Who REALLY Decorated:  Oh no!  It’s supposed to go like this when you reach for the honor bowl!  *reaches for the honor bowl outside and the crystal skull starts lighting up and bouncing and making scary noises*

Me:  THAT’S AWESOME!

Zoomboy: That’s my sister, Squish.  She’s a cat.  We have a real cat at home, two.  One of them is my sister’s cat, he’s Gordy, but there’s my mom’s cat too, that’s Steve, and she’s a girl cat, but she’s got a boy’s name.  Steve keeps trying to carry off the fake parrot with only one leg!

Nice Man Who REALLY Decorated:  I was hoping the kids would like the decorations.

Me:  THEY’RE AWESOME!  And I love the spiderwebs and the giant pumpkins and the crime scene tape and the–

Zoomboy:  That pumpkin is really big, it’s the world’s biggest pumpkin, I bet it won a prize.  Did your pumpkin win a world’s biggest pumpkin prize?  And look, you had spiders and spiderwebs and that skeleton thing and we only took one candy from the honor bowl, that was right, that’s what mom said and–

Nice Man Who REALLY Decorated:  *sounding overwhelmed*  Well, I’m glad you liked the stuff.  OH.  That spider was real.

Mom: *sympathetically*  Yeah, we’ve got a few of those too.

Zoomboy:  And there’s a house down the way that’s got a loud voice and it SCARED ME TO DEATH and that skull was pretty cool but it didn’t SCARE ME TO DEATH, and I think my sister wouldn’t have gotten candy, because she was CRYING she was so scared.  And last year, she ran away CRYING from that house because it SCARED HER TO DEATH!  But they didn’t have an honor bowl, they had a scary woman come out and–

Mom, to Nice Man Who REALLY Decorated:  Thank you.  Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween, y’all– ARRGGGHHH!!!!!

(*note– I will be mailing out swag tomorrow, just so you all don’t think I forgot or bailed.  It’s all set and ready to hit the post office… I sort of wonder if I should warn them or something!)