Mate to dogs: C’mere. No, you don’t need to lick me. No, I don’t care about that. No, stop getting excited. Listen. This is important. Don’t chase the cats. You heard me. Don’t. Chase. The cats! Do we understand?
Dogs: *chase cats chase cats chase cats*
Me: Yeah, I don’t think they get it.
* * * * *
Squish: So, I’m reading this book where the one witch is always eating chocolate and we don’t know why and then the other girl can turn her desk into chocolate.
Me: That’s handy.
Squish: The teacher in the book says it’s not a good talent though.
Me: I think that’s one of the best talents EVER.
Squish: Right? Stupid teacher.
* * * * *
Me: Zoomboy, did you just pick your nose?
Zoomboy (with finger up nose): No.
Me: Go away.
Zoomboy scampers in his father’s direction.
Me: AND DON’T TOUCH YOUR FATHER EITHER!
Mate: Go wash your hands!
Zoomboy: DAMMIT!
* * * * *
Chicken, on text, after calling me to talk about her heinously shitty day at work: That was a funny cat video mom. So cute. Just like my cat. I love you. You’re awesome. And beautiful. I love you so much.
Me: Go home, turtle, you’re drunk.
Chicken: How’d you know????
* * * * *
Big T: Mom–so, that thing in the fridge?
Me: The thing with the steak from mine and daddy’s dinner?
Big T: Yeah. Can I have that?
Me: You can have the prime rib, but the other one is daddy’s.
Big T: Dammit.
Me: You already ate the prime rib, didn’t you.
Big T: It was AWESOME.
* * * * *
And of course, Mom’s everyday refrain of “What the hell is that smell!!!!”
Ah, home.
