Overheard in My House

Mate to dogs: C’mere. No, you don’t need to lick me. No, I don’t care about that. No, stop getting excited. Listen. This is important. Don’t chase the cats. You heard me. Don’t. Chase. The cats! Do we understand?

Dogs: *chase cats chase cats chase cats*

Me: Yeah, I don’t think they get it.

*  *  *  *  *

Squish: So, I’m reading this book where the one witch is always eating chocolate and we don’t know why and then the other girl can turn her desk into chocolate.

Me: That’s handy.

Squish: The teacher in the book says it’s not a good talent though.

Me: I think that’s one of the best talents EVER.

Squish: Right? Stupid teacher.

*  *  *  *  *

Me: Zoomboy, did you just pick your nose?

Zoomboy (with finger up nose): No.

Me: Go away.

Zoomboy scampers in his father’s direction.


Mate: Go wash your hands!

Zoomboy: DAMMIT!

* * * * *

Chicken, on text, after calling me to talk about her heinously shitty day at work: That was a funny cat video mom. So cute. Just like my cat. I love you. You’re awesome. And beautiful. I love you so much.

Me: Go home, turtle, you’re drunk.

Chicken: How’d you know????

*  *  *  *  *

Big T: Mom–so, that thing in the fridge?

Me: The thing with the steak from mine and daddy’s dinner?

Big T: Yeah. Can I have that?

Me: You can have the prime rib, but the other one is daddy’s.

Big T: Dammit.

Me: You already ate the prime rib, didn’t you.

Big T: It was AWESOME.

*  *  *  *  *

And of course, Mom’s everyday refrain of “What the hell is that smell!!!!”

Ah, home.

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