Overheard in My House Today

Me: ZB, you smell funny. When was the last time you bathed?
ZB: Uh…
Me: Was it another country?
ZB: Yes.
Me: Change that. RIGHT NOW!

* * *

Squish: The little dog threw up!
Me: Clean it up!
Squish: Why does she keep doing that?
Chicken: Because she lives on a steady diet of cat poop and maxi-pads… omg, get her off my lap!

* * *

ZB: Mm– mom, what are you making?
Me: Food.
ZB: It smells just like meat eater’s pizza.  Except you used vegan sausage for meat. And coconut milk for cheese. And noodles for crust.
Me: And curry instead of garlic.
ZB: Other than that, it smells just like pizza.

* * *

Big T: Little dog, you are so happy to see me! Why do you love me so much!
Chicken: Because the rest of us know what she eats!

* * *

Me, making reservations for Coastal Magic: “Yeah, uh, I’d like to make reservations for…”

Receptionist: When would you like to make reservations, ma’am?

Me, in a panic: I don’t know! My computer froze up and every reference to this event was on the computer!

Twenty Minutes Later–
Receptionist: So, that reservation will be X amount of money–

Me, in a panic: Is there any way we can make that like, $100 down, because I’m a writer, and I get paid every three months, and this is Top Ramen month, and we’re going to New York next week for sort of the same reason I’m coming to Florida in February.

Receptionist: Of course, ma’am, let me see what I can do.
A few minutes later–
Ma’am, we’ve got this all set up, is there anything I can do for you?

Me: No, you’ve pretty much worked miracles.

Receptionist: Well, ma’am, if you would like to fill out our survey at the end of the call, we would be much obliged.

Me: Are you kidding? I called you with no date and no money, and you set me up for both– lady, I will sing your praises to the stars!

—- And that, folks, was my day!

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