Parenting Fail #371

Last night, Squish lost a tooth RIGHT before she went to bed.

I had no one dollar bills for the ritual appearance of the Tooth Fairy (whom Squish suspects is not a real thing anyway.)  After asking Big T if he had any ones, I was told, “There’s coins left over from cleaning out the Crapmobile.  You could use those.”

Oooh… “Yeah, sure!  Get me eight quarters!”

So, I took my life in both hands and walked across the hastily cleaned floor and somehow managed to shove the quarters under Squish’s pillow– but I couldn’t find the tooth.  I should add, at this point, that Squish and Zoomboy sleep in full daylight because reasons.  All I know is that my idea of heaven is sleeping in natural dark, and waking in natural light and fresh air.  The kids have now such dreams.  Anyway, I left the tooth.  I mean, a tooth under a pillow is less incriminating than a parent groping your head with the light on, right?

So this morning, Squish comes out of her room, her bullshit line FIRMLY in place.  She is holding her quarters in one hand– and her tooth in the other.

“Mom?”

I look at her quickly and look away.  “Yeah?”

“Why did the Tooth Fairy leave my tooth?”

“I, uh, have no idea.”

“Didn’t she want the tooth?”

“Maybe it was hard to get out of your room without waking you up, you ever think of that? Maybe you were lucky to just get your money!”

“Yeah, but my money is sort of, uhm… dirty. Why are the quarters so grungy?”

“I, uh, have no idea.”

“I mean, one of them had a nickel stuck to the back.”

“I don’t know why.”

“Mom, how come you always say, ‘I’ before you say ‘The Tooth Fairy’ or ‘The Easter Bunny’?”

Okay, so I’ve guessed where this is heading.

“Because mom does a lot of shit, Squishy, and sometimes she forgets which task she finished and which task everyone else finished, is that okay with you?”

“Yeah, Mom.  I know. You do do a lot of things.”

“Go spend your money, Squishy.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

My Goddess, I hope that’s the last tooth.