Picture Mate ‘Here’

“Okay guys… some bad news. It’s picture day. Not in the library, no. We’re gonna go home, get Big T and go to Wal-Mart. The one in Roseville. I think. Okay, one of the ones in Roseville. I’m not sure which one. Yeah, Chicken, you can wear that. Yeah Ladybug, we’ll get you a Christmas dress. Yeah Zoomboy, if they HAVE little’ boy’s shirts with snowmen on them, sure. They’re yours. Big T, are you in the car? Did you brush your hair? Chicken, did you brush yours? Don’t look at me like that, we haven’t done this in years, we’re due! No, I’m not getting my picture taken…shit. (Remembers two requests for a new author photo.) Yes. Yes I am. Yes I’m wearing this. Because it’s on, that’s why. Everyone ready to go?

Shit. We’re late.

Okay–run around Wal-Mart while I go buy the clothes for the little kids. Find the photo studio. Of course there’s a photo studio. Well did you ask someone? Anyone? Like the people by the digital photo booth? SEE? GO ASK THEM? *mutter* Fine. I’ll ask them.

We’re in the wrong Wal-Mart, you say? Uh-huh. Uhm, you wouldn’t want to, uhm, call Pleasant Grove Wal-Mart and uhm, reschedule for us. You WOULD? Thank you. That’s awesome. (*note to self* Stop dissing Wal-Mart. That was really nice of her.)

Yes, Ladybug, we WILL put on your new Christmas dress and take a picture. WHEN WE GET TO WAL-MART. No. The other Wal-Mart. The one on Pleasant Grove. Here–we need to get gas. Wait in the car while I get gas (and go inside and ask the clerk for directions because although I USUALLY know where Pleasant Grove is, I just had a brainfart and forgot totally.)

Okay, Ladybug, we’ll put your dress on in the bathroom… nevermind. Thanks Chicken. No, changing her in the back of the car with the hatch open is a fine idea. We’ll put a sweater on her–the goosepimples will go away, I’m sure. The white-trash label not-so-much, but whattayagonnado? It’s weird–all the cars in this Wal-Mart are REALLY new. Well, apparently that’s Pleasant Grove, isn’t it! (No wonder I didn’t remember how to get here.)

All right–everybody in the store. Are you all in the picture? Shit. If I’m here and getting a picture taken, I’ll feel like an asshole if I’m not in the family picture. That just seems wrong. Okay, everyone, make way for Mom. Zoomboy put your thumbs down. Squishy, stop mugging and just smile and stop swinging the bench around. Chicken, smile. T, smile. Yes, you have to. If I have to you have to. THIS IS NOT AMERICAN GOTHIC GODDAMMIT, SMILE! Thank you! Squishy stop mugging. Zoomboy, the thumbs-up thing is NOT HAPPENING. Older kids, show me some teeth if you have to bare them like The Fantastic Mr. Fox. No, I’m not kidding. Big T, YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE EYE! Okay. That picture might be adequate. On to the individual shots.

Squishy, stop mugging, you’re beautiful if you just smile! Yes, you know it don’t you? Uh-huh. Zoomboy, that pose makes you look like a pre-raphaelite woman swanning for her portrait while awaiting her bride-price. Maybe sit up straight and show some teeth. Better. Big T, you are not a cyclops, for chrissakes getyerhairouttayereyes! Chicken, please? Let’s just brush it out. Please? You’re so beautiful. Let’s just show that to the family. And teeth. We spent a billion dollars on braces for the love of crap on toast can’t we see some goddamned teeth around here? *sigh* Fine. A ponytail is fine. Don’t give me attitude, dammit, if I have to do this you have to do this.

Okay, we’re done. Now I just have to pick the package. Fun. Zoomboy get off the floor. Don’t touch that. Go in the room and play. Don’t hit her with that. Ladybug take off your dance shoes and stop farting–you’re making the photographer nauseous. Okay, guys, here’s an idea… take the little kids to the toy department and see what they want from Santa… sure. Fine. $5 dollar limit, get some cheetohs while you’re at it.

We can get the post cards you say? Yeah, I guess we’ll do the one with all if us in it. What do I want the caption to say? *giggle* How about *giggle some more* “Picture Mate here!* *full fledged hysterical laughter* “The whole family really DOES wish you a happy holiday!”

*wipes happy tear* The photographer also thought that was a laugh riot. Yeah, she has kids, why do you ask?