Real Knit Creations

So Roxie sent me those two wondrous hats, and some yarn softer than a kitten’s whisper (and some more, more sparkly than a tarted-up magpie) and I have become obsessed with what I would knit for those of you out in blogland who are my friends. It started out small– I’d knit DecRain some Lady Cory’s Punk Goth Brocade socks, because she’s sent me fan-art (lovely fan-art) and those socks may be as close as I’ll ever come to returning the favor. I’d knit Galad some felted cat-baskets, because, well, Galad is totally cool, and her kitties are wonderful. I’d knit Roxie… well, everything, from a lacy table-cloth to a warm quilt to a fabulous opera cape because Roxie would take it all and run with it… and then, as I was plotting these wonders (you know, with all my spare time and everything) it occurred to me: I don’t have time. I didn’t even get Spaznado boy’s sweater done this year (which is okay, because the Stegie pattern came out in Knitty, and now I can knit him that for next year) and I’m working frantically on a baby blanket for a friend and I still have socks in exchange for a portrait of Green and… and… and…

And you just can’t do it all.

So I figured, if I was going to knit things for my blog-friends, I’d dream BIG. I mean really HUMONGULOUS. I mean COSMIC SIZED DREAM-WEAR. Now, I’ve read Roxie’s books– they’re wonderful–and Sanna does ever-so-amazing things with magic and knitting. Me likey. So I’m going to steal that idea from the ingenious, practical Sanna and work some magic of my own.

For Needletart: I’d knit an endlessly replenishing bookbag. Whenever you wanted to read a book, you’d just reach in, and your new favorite author would be there. When you are done with the book, it would go to another grateful owner (uhm, me. She’s got fabulous taste!) and there would be another book to take its place. Needletart–baby–I’m working on the pattern for that right now.

Littlewitch: You’d get one just like it, only with a flamethrower attached. Because I know you’d use it wisely.

Julie: For you, my dear, I’d delve into microscopic lace–you do inspire a person, you know– and use the nerve network from the human sacrifices of all the dumbshit doctors who have ever pissed you off–and knit you a new nerve network for your hand. You don’t whine at all–for that alone, I would give you hyper-speed, hyper-quickness, and a newly developed bitch-slapping capability, because you would only use it on morons who desperately deserved it.

For Tinkingbells: You’re tough, darling–you have such a way of looking positively… I think I’d knit you an extra pocket of time in your day, because you’re always so productive and such a wonderful, whirlwind of a mother, I’m pretty sure you’d use it.

For Donna Lee: I’d knit a magical-wish-granting prayer shawl, so you could wish that alien-baby back to outer space–no more surgeries, no more worries, your beloved Em would be alien-baby-free. Hell, I’d settle for the prayer shawl w/out the magical wish granting capabilities… I will work towards having that time, sweetheart. For you.

For Bells: Bells knows exactly what I’d knit for her. We all pray we may someday knit her one.

For Galad: I don’t know… Galad is frighteningly self-sufficient… but still, I don’t think the felted cat-beds are enough. Okay, here it is: I’d knit for Galad a spider-web-suspension-bridge, so that she may walk across the street and visit her father, who in reality lives three or four states away. Ah, that warp in the space-time continuum–if anyone else gets a breakthrough on one of those, let me know!

For Knittech: I’d knit her a whole new wardrobe, because she has been losing weight like a fiend, and I think that kind of commitment should be showered in only the finest cashmere and the purest cotton blends. And if she’d rather shop for herself, I’d knit her a Dean Winchester blow-up doll–mostly because I know she’d return the favor:-0 (And so Grilltech doesn’t fell left out, I’d knit him Ruby–but I need to know which Ruby–blond Ruby or brunette!)

For Mr. Sparrow, who doesn’t follow my blog at all, but who has been on my mind lately: I’d knit him clean, alien-baby-free blood, and a hale, hearty return to school next year. I already tried socks. They didn’t have quite the salutary effect I’d hoped. I’d work on a prayer shawl, but he’s not really a shawl kind-of-guy. I may try a hat–navy, not turquoise, since the turquoise seemed to offend Mr. Trick, and no amount of telling him it looked like a good Irish-boy’s colorway seemed to convince him otherwise.

For Curmudgeonly Colleague, who does follow the blog just to see if he gets mentioned: I’d knit him a new asshole. Not because I’m mad at him, or even have any inclination to yell at him, and honestly, I haven’t had the urge to do such a thing in a couple of years now. We’re cool. But still, that’s what I’d knit him, just because then we’d both know I could rip that puppy out if the occasion ever called for it. (Oh, okay, fine. Since that last idea is sort of negative on the karmic scale, CC, I’ll work on knitting you that invite to the next celebrity pro/am golf tournament just as soon as I figure out where it is. Or, since we’re in magic-Amy-land, would you prefer special golf-club-warmers that are guaranteed to reduce your score? Do let me know.)

For Roxie: Wow. Let’s see. Every month Roxie throws a fabulous knitting party for her friends. She provides one-of-a-kind tea-cups, munchies, companionship, and a sort of graciousness that blows my mind and feeds my soul. So for Roxie, I’d knit a simple lace tablecloth–with a self-cleaning mechanism, so that she might spend her time being a fabulous hostess, and not have to lift a finger in clean-up. (And while I”m at it, I’ll see if I can get Mate to invent the self-cleaning, self-filling, self-sustaining catbox. Because, you know, that would come in handy too.

And to anybody I left out (well, first off, my apologies! I didn’t mean to leave anyone out, I swear!), I’d knit you what you need. Not what you want–we all know THAT’S a trap we don’t want to fall in, but what you need, because that’s often so very much more appreciated.