Schadenfreudaphelia

* Note–this is political satire, and I’m really angry at our political system right now. The following is going to be gross, disgusting, and amoral–just like our GOP and the scabrous rancid treasonous sphincter pustule rotting in the White House.

… Somewhere, in a fetid darkened closet, with a sticky floor and cum-rags that crackle, the following is happening…

Ryan: Is he coming?

McConnell: McCain? No–he’s still pretending he thinks the health care bill is good for children.

Rubio: Moron. What about… you know…

McConnell: Our Russian friend? Alas, no–he’s in his own closet with Trump.

Pence: Oh man–I hear theirs has running water and clean rags.

Hatch: And sunlight. Blessed, blessed sunlight.

McConnell: The things we do are better in the dark.

Ryan: Oh! Wait! What was that!

McConnell: Did it feel like thick wet lips embracing your unholy member?

Ryan: Sort of…

McConnell: That was Kushner. It’s his favorite part of the proceedings.

Ryan: Ew.

Pence *whispering*: We’re lucky. Sometimes it’s the other guy and I swear he’s got a forked tongue.

Hatch: DeVos tried it once, but she had too many teeth. And that KellyAnne woman.  *collective shudder* I’ve barely healed the scars.

Rubio: And that Huckabee woman never stops talking.

Spicer: She’s doing her job!

Hatch: Who invited you?

Spicer: You mean… you mean I wasn’t invited? But I always get invited to the circle jerks!

McConnell: This, gentleman, is not about sex. This is about the satisfaction we can only get by serving our country. Erections out!

*chorus* Ready, Turtle Man.

McConnell: I am circumcised like all good Christians and you know it. Let’s begin:

Who’s gonna get sick?

*chorus* Milennials

Who’s gonna get evicted?

*shudder* Grandma…

Who’s gonna get arrested?

*collective moans* Brown *ecstatic whimper* people.

Who’s gonna shoot themselves with their own guns?

Cruz *out of rhythm*: Oh my God oh my God EVERYBODY! I’M COMING!!!!

Ryan: Oh Jesus–there goes my boner. Kushner, could you clean that guy up? Every goddamned time…

McConnell: Heh heh–that’s why I bring up guns first. Go on, Ted. You know the President is waiting.

Cruz: Oh yes. Do you think Putin dropped a big load for me this time? I can clean it up… it’ll be… amazing…

McConnell: Sure. Now go. The rest of us need to finish.

*Cruz leaves*

Ryan: Putz. The whole point is to be the last man standing.

McConnell: Let’s resume.

Who’s gonna starve at school?

*low whisper* Children.

And who’s gonna get pregnant and stay uneducated?

*grows stronger*  Women!

And who’s gonna have to work until they’re seventy?

*grows stronger* Everybody!

Who?

*stronger* Everybody!

WHO?

EVERYBODY BUT US!

Ryan: Oh God, I”m close!

Pence: Be strong, brother! Think of my wife!

Ryan: Ew!

Pence: You’re such a good Christian.

McConnell: And who’s gonna get sick?

*ecstatically* Children!

McConnell: And who’s gonna die first?

*getting more frantic* Disabled hildren!

McConnell: And who’re we gonna blame?

*frenzied now* Women!

McConnell: And who’s gonna grieve?

*barely holding on* Everybody!

McConnell: And who we gonna screw?

*shrieking* Everybody!

McConnell: And who’s gonna hurt the worst?

*frothing at the mouth* CHILDREN!

McConnell: AND WHO GETS TO KEEP THE MONEY?

WE DO!

McConnell: AND WHO GETS TO KEEP THE POWER?


WE DO!


McConnell: *seductively* Isn’t it lovely, my brothers? Watch the horror, the destruction! Think of the power, the glorious power! Imagine your feet, crackling the bones of our old, our young, our helpless, while the women bow in service.. and then…

*weeping with the need to come* Yes?

…and then…?

Oh God… please… tell us…

…and then!!!!

WHAT???


McConnell: We…*stroke* blame *stroke* everything *stroke* ON THEM!

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES OH MY GOD WE’RE GONNA GONNA GONNA…

CHEMICAL WARFARE NUKING SYRIA MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

CUM!!!  

ahhhhhhhh….

Ryan: You came first.

Pence: I did not.

Ryan: Did too.

Pence: So did not.

Ryan: MOTHER!

Pence: MUAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Ryan: You came twice.

Pence: Mmm… it was worth it.

McConnell: Faster, Kushner, you’ve got the whole GOP to go.

Ryan: Spicer, you maybe wanna help him out a little?

Spicer: I’m part of it! Look at me!  *gets down on hand and knees*  This’ll get ratings, for sure!

McConnell: You want ratings? Wait until we tell everybody the new health care plan is better than Obama’s…

Pence: Think they’ll buy it–ouch!  KellyAnne, were you even invited?

Ryan: Who cares? Mm… nice job, Sean… a little to the left…

*fade to even blacker*