* Your kids eat like locusts
* Except these locusts refuse to eat fresh fruit or fresh veggies, even if you’re buying
* They have a secret sixth sense for whenever you are going into nap, and suddenly it’s time to talk. (This goes double for husbands who are jealous that you are suddenly spending your time with your children.)
* They think “mom working” is just a quaint thing she does where she stares at her computer screen and while the entire world melts down behind her.
* They assume someone else is going to walk the dog until he pees on their stuff
* The older kids forget how to tell time
* They younger kids forget to listen to anyone but the older kids
* The older kids think that philosophical conversations demand everyone’s attention
* Nobody wants to watch Burn Notice but ME!
* My suggestions count for shit
* There is fuck-all in terms of children’s movies to watch
* The movies they want to see are the movies you want to see
* Your friends send you lots of NSFW links that you just open anyway because usually nobody’s home with you
* That thing you did to make all these children becomes a dream of the past, like it happened to somebody else, in a place where adult children don’t stay up until three a.m.
* That weird “time is relative” thing happens when you triple plan for downtime you accidentally scheduled with a volunteer gig that you feel completely unappreciated while doing
* Your happy time at the gym must be carefully negotiated or it morphs into family time at the gym and you spend three hours in a chlorinated pool and spend two days sleeping off the sunburn
* Anything you want to watch on television becomes an affront to your adult children’s lives and an attempt to shit all over their creative freedom to warp your younger children by watching R-rated horror films in front of them
* You would literally blow the pizza guy as a tip, just go get him to sneak you some chocolate chip cookie dough, since you and your husband have been supposedly dieting, and you are now all gungh-ho about fruit and yoghurt and all you want is some fucking lard and sugar filled toasted crap!!!
* The dog eats chew toys and nobody understands the term vacuum
* You’re so distracted that your porn stars haven’t had sex for 77 thousand words. Did you hear that? Celibate porn stars. For fuck’s sake– doesn’t that like break the space time continuum or something?
* You write a scene literally about a conversation about poop that your characters have through the bathroom door, and it doesn’t occur to you until talking to the dog and the kids through the bathroom door that your inner life does not have even a bathroom door to separate it from your outer life, and that your porn stars might have another 25 K before they get their rocks off!
* You gain weight in spite of eating yoghurt and fruit, and you really wish you could blow that pizza delivery guy for the cookie dough because you’re emotions demand it!
* Your oldest son tells you to “bite me” and you’re just relieved because it means he’s going to go sulk in his room
* You cook glop and ignore all the complaints because it is your glop and you loves it
* You put in Knight’s Tale because if you’re not getting any work done anyway, dammit, you might as well get you’re own fucking TV!
Going to watch Knight’s Tale now. Next week, I’ll probably try blogging from McDonalds so that my family and I might LIVE!
