Spaznado Boy Hits and Hits Hard…

We got a different satellite carrier and there was housecleaning and installing and drilling holes in the house and a lot of freakin’ questions I couldn’t answer and no television during the time when the short people usually have television to just chill them the hell out.

They were driving us crazy–or, rather, they were driving Mate crazy, because I had retreated to the computer to get a teeny tiny bit of writing done, and I heard Mate shoo them down the hall to get ready for their shower and then…

My Mom-dar went off.

“Hey, Mate, wherethefuckiscavetroll?”

“I don’t know–when did you see him last?”

Ten minutes later we had turned the house upside down and inside out, Mate had been around the block once, the cable guys were helping us look, and I was WETTING MY FUCKING PANTS.

I was just pulling out of the driveway, thinking maybe we needed to expand our search parameter and wondering when you call the cops in this situation, when he came be-bopping out of the house, all dimples.

“Mommy guess what? I was HIDING, and you couldn’t FIND ME!” Isn’t this great? Wasn’t he a good hider?

“That’s awesome, sweetie,” I said faintly. “Next time you do that, could you let mommy know we’re playing the game first?”

I came inside, to Chicken, who was terribly full of herself for having found him. “Where the hell was he?” I asked, still shocky from ALMOST WETTING MY FUCKING PANTS IN ANXIETY.

“Under the end-table between the chair and the couch.”

I looked–honestly? I wouldn’t have looked in that spot for the damned cat–too fucking small. And by the way? When I was outside, calling his name with several operatic cracks in my voice, he was about four feet away, laughing is bony little ass off.

“Chicken, do me a favor, wouldja?”

“Yeah mom?”

“When I’m about sixty-five, and I drop dead for no discernible reason, I want you to get your brother, and slug him really fucking hard in the arm, and say, “You asshole, if you hadn’t pulled shit like that when you were a kid, we could have had mom for another FIFTEEN YEARS!!!”


And this next is a true story of dreaming in puns:

I had a dream about a beautiful, graceful dancer, practicing the choreography to March of the Marionettes with her partner. Her partner was an extraordinarily lovely young man who had a burning crush on the dancer’s brother.

I woke up in a sweat of revelation and said, “Yaoi Story.”

I shit you not.

0 thoughts on “Spaznado Boy Hits and Hits Hard…”

  1. Donna Lee says:

    Kids are wonderful. If it weren’t for them, we’d probably live forever.hukeraff

  2. Bells says:

    that so reminds me of a family story about my little brother going missing in bushland near our house. When he finally emerged he was very calm and a bit confused about all the fuss.

    “I knew where i was” he said. Yeah, great.

  3. The joys of kids. Glad you found him!!

    Word verification: nonos

  4. roxie says:

    “We could have had mom for another fifteen years!” Love it!!! Thank God it was a happy ending.

    Sorry to be so slow and dense, but I’m not getting the pun. Yaoi story?

  5. Galad says:

    At least he actually was hiding from you. I once sent Nicole (age 2) home with her dad and took Dom with me to the video store. I forgot she wasn’t with me, saw Dom standing alone looking at videos and freaked out. When I suddenly realized she was safely home with her dad, I had to apologize to all the worried customers for being a space cadet.

  6. Samaya Young says:

    Ever thought of putting a bell around his neck? LOL. Glad to hear it all worked out. You had me worried there for a sec.

  7. Louiz says:

    What a little so-and-so. My brother used to do stuff like that, and it is amazing how small a space a small boy can squeeze into.

  8. TinkingBell says:

    Mine do that to me too – I swear I will die of the high blood pressure, palpitations and general stress.

    Happy Mother’s day!

    (Oh – my favourite Mother story – Kid I knew, took a book out of the library – he was very keen on bugs, beetles, butterflies – returned it to the library complaining that the damn book was just about cleaning and crap – title of the book – `Advice to young Mothers’ – he thought it was about kids that collected moths! – Laughed my ass off!)

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