Hi! I’d like to welcome you all to our seminar on Tantric-Mommy-Teacher-Yoga…are we all assembled?
Now, I know why five of you are here–it seems as though you are having troubles getting along with young Rectum Hemrrhoid, and Mrs. Hemrrhoid seemed to feel this seminar was in your best interest. And you–yes, you in the front? Emma Abler? Yes–you’re Rectum’s favorite teacher. Mrs. Hemrrhoid seemed to feel you’d be able to give some of your fellow teachers some insight as to how to deal with young Rectum without injuring his fragile ego.
You in the back–Ms. Lane? You’re not doing anybody any good by rolling your eyes you know. This seminar isn’t just for an isolated case, you know–there are several families in this community that have requested that teachers pass this course–the Nekcramps, Arsaches, Megranes, Eyetix, Twitches, and Ulcers have all told your administration that there are certain flexibility skills the teachers here are lacking, and that’s my job as a consultant. I think you should show some respect, don’t you?
*smile* Okay now! Are we having fun? Everybody have their professional black yoga pants, glossy shoes and dress-shirts on? Are we ready to go? Good. Now the first step in Tantric-mommy-teacher-yoga is the hardest. I want everybody to stand up straight and put your arms over your head. Very good. Now, I know this next part is difficult–some of you are middle-aged, many of you are a little thick in the middle, but really, once we get this part over it’s going to be cake! I want you to lean back, until you can see the back wall, and put your hands down on the floor. Yes, Emma, you’ve got it! You’re literally bending over backwards!!! (Ms. Lane! Do you use those words in front of your students? Shame on you!)
Okay–now that you’re backwards, we have the parents of high school students here to volunteer. Now, I know this is going to feel invasive, but we’re going to attach a nearly grown human to your breast. Some of you women, you might recognize this sensation–no, Ms. Lane, it’s NOT over when your youngest turns two, it’s part of your profession, you signed on, remember? Gentlemen, this is going to feel a little weird at first, but trust us. All our data shows that if a nearly grown human munches on your mammary for a while, you WILL start to lactate. That’s all we want from you– a little milk of human kindness, is that so hard?
And now for the last stage–some people have said this is the most uncomfortable part, but some of our clients have told us that it actually feels pretty good! Okay…without falling down now, I want you to spread your legs. Now we’re going to go around and pull your pants down, and then introduce the phallic-shaped-personality invader to your backside. Oooops…Ms. Lane–you insist on being difficult don’t you? Now relax, dammit, relax! *whew* Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Excellent in fact–all of you, very good. Now you said it couldn’t be done, but do you see what our seminar has done for you? We’ve taught you to bend over backwards while simultaneously breastfeeding the world and being *bleeped* in the *blargh*! Don’t you all feel like better teachers for that? I thought you would! Uhm…Ms. Lane…put down your phallic-shaped-personality invader… now, be a sport–this is for the greater good…Ms. Lane…Ms. Lane? Uhm… excuse me everybody…I really have another seminar to attend and I’ll be back to remove your devices as soon as I’m done…. AAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!!!!