Me: I’m almost done packing, hooray!
Cat: *Climbs on top of the suitcase, spreads all four feet out, and extends claws* You’ll never take me alive, copper!
Me: Get off my suitcase you furry freak! I’m trying to get ready to leave!
Cat: Fuck you! Nobody leaves me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Me: *pets* You gonna miss me?
Cat: Fuck off!
Me: *pets more* You say that, but you’re clutching that suitcase pretty hard there, sweetie.
Cat: Hate you.
Me: *pets even moar* I love y–ouch! Bitch!
Cat: That’ll show you!
Me: Get off my suitcase!
Cat: No!
Me: Fine, I’ll come back later!
Cat: *runs after me and slashes my calf* THE HELL YOU WILL!
Me: *shows owie to Mate* Am I bleeding?
Mate: Copiously. The hell?
Me: The cat is upset that I’m leaving.
Mate: Maybe you’re just trying to get out alive!
Me: Yeah, well, sleep with one eye open–that bitch takes no prisoners.
Mate: Tell her a good kiss will do.
Me: Yeah honey– that’s what I want. Her tongue in my mouth.
Mate: Good point. Tell her she’ll make a nice purse.
Me: THAT might make an impression.
And seriously. Seriously. I”m bleeding and my bag is covered in cat hair.
Fucking cat.
