The Cat is Upset

Me: I’m almost done packing, hooray!

Cat: *Climbs on top of the suitcase, spreads all four feet out, and extends claws*  You’ll never take me alive, copper!

Me: Get off my suitcase you furry freak! I’m trying to get ready to leave!

Cat: Fuck you! Nobody leaves me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Me: *pets* You gonna miss me?

Cat: Fuck off!

Me: *pets more* You say that, but you’re clutching that suitcase pretty hard there, sweetie.

Cat: Hate you.

Me: *pets even moar* I love y–ouch! Bitch!

Cat: That’ll show you!

Me: Get off my suitcase!

Cat: No!

Me: Fine, I’ll come back later!

Cat: *runs after me and slashes my calf*  THE HELL YOU WILL!

Me: *shows owie to Mate* Am I bleeding?

Mate: Copiously. The hell?

Me: The cat is upset that I’m leaving.

Mate: Maybe you’re just trying to get out alive!

Me: Yeah, well, sleep with one eye open–that bitch takes no prisoners.

Mate: Tell her a good kiss will do.

Me: Yeah honey– that’s what I want. Her tongue in my mouth.

Mate: Good point. Tell her she’ll make a nice purse.

Me: THAT might make an impression.

And seriously. Seriously. I”m bleeding and my bag is covered in cat hair.

Fucking cat.

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