The Most Dangerous Part of My Body

So I almost broke the house with my ass this morning.

I was really having a sort of weird day. I was having my morning “meeting”–which I am used to having in long, blissfully uninterrupted private.

I got interrupted three times. Once by a phone call, twice by the pest control guy. The thing with the pest control guy was that he couldn’t get close enough to use his organic pet friendly spray on my house–there was a miserable amount of road construction going on outside.

As in, there’s a six-foot deep, four-foot-wide trench in front of my driveway, and for the last two days we’ve had to ask guys to lay down a big iron panel so we can drive out.

Also, they get there at 7:30 which makes them all bastards. ALL. All bastards. Now you know.

So, no pest control today, and my morning meeting was meetus-interuptus and I had to go ask the guys ripping up our road if, uh, I was going to be able to take the dogs to the park.

They said, “Yeah, sure!” and I was like, “Okay then. I’ll go in and try to find a bra.”

But when I got to the door I realized that I’d closed the locked door behind me. So, yes. I locked myself out of the house.

Anyway, this normally wouldn’t be a problem– the back door slides open and we don’t lock it when the animals are going in and out–especially because it’s been nice outside. Even with the pet door, we still leave it open a little for some fresh air.

But, uh, remember that pet door?

Well, it’s made the entry into the house… smaller.

As in, the KIDS have trouble getting in and out of the back door kind of smaller.

And I had no choice but to squeeze my fat ass into the house via the sliding door. Which I almost took off the rails. I got in–much the same way I managed to use the shower in that Air BnB I stayed in when Andrew, Amelia and I got stranded in Virginia, and let’s just say it took some human origami and leave it at that.

But it’s true. My ass almost broke the back door. MY ASS ALMOST BROKE MY HOUSE.

I got back inside, and managed to get my act together to take the dogs walking, but my luck was still a little wonky when I got back–I had to park a block away which just sort of wrecked my timeline for making it to aqua zumba.

I guess on the plus side? There’s such a thing as aqua zumba, and it was FABULOUS.

However, I don’t think it made my ass even a teeny bit smaller.

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