The Truth About Steve

Ah, returning to normal is a pain in the ass. Why can’t we just work out in the pool and read ALL DAY? I used to think that’s what this job was all about, but now there’s sending letters and making decisions and… *grumble*


So, this evening, ZoomBoy came and gave me a hug as I was working. He said, “So, did you notice Steve, trying to get us to open the screen door when the pet door is RIGHT THERE?”

And I said, “Okay, so, there’s something you need to realize. I know when you look at her, you think of Steve as our beloved pussycat. You think, ‘Oh, yeah, sure, she hides in the darkened bathroom only to dart across the hallway, claw your ankle, curse you out, and then disappear.’ But that’s nothing, right?”

“A personality quirk,” he agrees. “Like stealing your money before spending it.”

“Exactly. But the truth is much more sinister. The truth is, that underneath the ten pounds of severely allergenic cat hair–“

“That sticks to all my clothes.”

“Yes, that. Underneath that, and the fleas that no amount of flea treatment can vanquish–“

“Is that where those bites are coming from?”

“We have some aloe and lidocaine on the counter. Anyway, aside from the head-butting you in the boobs at three a.m. if she doesn’t have food–“

“Mom, that’s only you.”

“And the clawing in the arm in the middle of the night–“

“She got my nipples once. She wanted my pillow.”

“Well, you’re blessed. Anyway, aside from all of that, there’s something else you should know about our beloved pussycat.”

“Hit me with it.”

“She will try to convince you that she is neglected. That nobody loves her. That she has been ignored and shunted aside for the entire day, only to be passed over in favor of the hated dogs.”

“She’s singing the song of her people even now.”

“Well, you should know that our beloved pussycat is a LYING SACK OF FUR. I’ve been petting that shameless whore all fucking day.”


“You may need to pet her too. She’s still out for our ankles.”


“Pass the word on to your sister.”


I work for a little while, and then I hear from the bedroom, “And you should know that Steve the cat is a LYING SACK OF FUR.”

Because I’m a good mother and I warn about the shit that will happen.

0 thoughts on “The Truth About Steve”

  1. Marsha says:

    Hilariously true about most cats!!

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