Things Heard in My House Today

Mate: I am surrounded by dogs.

Me: They’re like big furry fireflies. It must be magical to be you.
Mate: So magical.
*  *  *
Squish, barging into the bathroom by mistake. I am there, and so is Steve the cat, and Geoffie and Gibbs, the smollest of smol dogs. 
“Oh. Sorry.”  *looks at all the animals*  “I didn’t realize it was a party.”
*  *  *  
Mate: Did you get your coffee?
Me: Well, that depends on what you want to call it.
Mate: Looks like rat poison.
Me: That’s what I call it.
*  * *  
Mate is moving  our old box springs out of our room, because we have bought new ones. 
Mate: Do you hear that?
Me: What is that ungodly racket?
Mate: That’s the broken coils in the middle of the springs!
Me: Weren’t those supposed to be nine inch box springs?
Mate: Yup.
Me: What are they now?
Mate: About six and a half.
Me: Aint that always the way.
*  * *
Mate, after my nap: So, how was the bed? 
Me: It was amazing. I woke up in the same place I went to sleep.
Kids: Didn’t you do that before?
Mate: No. Going to bed was a game of Broken Mattress: Tokyo Drift.
Kids: So you don’t drift anymore?
Me: We’ll have to see tonight. If I get to bed and he’s still on his side of the bed, it was all the box springs. If I get to bed and he’s in the middle, it’s all him.
*  *  *  
And finally…
Squish: Mom!
Me: What!
Squish: The dogs! They can’t jump on the bed anymore! They have to vault off the clothes!
Mate: *rubs hands together* Excellent… now all I have to do is finish folding clothes and my plan is complete….

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