Things to Remember on a Road Trip

* Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole.

* Posting Twitter updates whenever somebody says something absurd actually makes things go faster.

*  The person who sits in back usually is okay zoning out and wishing for teleportation to be invented.

* The person who drives through LA traffic is allowed to have the LEAST amount of driving time after that to make up for the trauma.

*  Diet rules don’t exist on the road.

* Nosh is to be shared.

*  Quoting Quick Change with the line “I saw a sign, Phyllis!” is even funnier when you’re lost on Rosecrans Blvd., looking for a sign to I-5, with somebody actually named Phyllis! (True story!)

*  The best thing about the ubiquity of McDonalds and Starbucks is that you can always use the bathroom and get consistent refreshment. And if you survive the road trip after that, it’s perfectly acceptable to not step foot in either establishment for months afterwards.

*  That being said, you can also pee at a Jack-in-the-Box.

*  It is okay for the passenger to inflict one song–and one song only–upon the other occupants of the car with the admonition of “You must love this song or all of my life is a LIE!

*  All stops along the way are potty stops. This means if someone is dropping you off, be prepared to clear a way to the potty.

*  If you’ve used your friends bathroom at the end of a road trip, it’s always nice to stop and chat a while, even if you’re itching to get home 😉

*  Even true things like, “I have a dead cat in Galt!” sound really frickin’ hilarious at the end of the trip!

*  Driver is allowed to swear loudly and colorfully at traffic.  It will be everybody’s turn to drive, after all…

*  If someone points out a song on the iPod rotation that ends up having a special significance to someone else after the trip, that’s because the trip alone was good karma.

*  There is a Chevron somewhere on the Grapevine that pumps air into your gas tank and deceives it into thinking it’s full, thus charging you $60 for a full tank of gas. No, I don’t remember which one– we only figured it out right before we got to Rosecrans Blvd. of the badly marked I-5 signs.

*  You know it was a long trip when the potty humor comes out.

*  You know it was a really long trip when anyone filling their gas tank looks like The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove.

*  You know it was a good choice to go with friends when you remember more about the good company than you do about being locked in a box for a 12 hour trip.

*  You are just as grateful for you road-trip companions the day after the trip as you were when you were giggling your way through 300 miles of valley farmland.

Kim Fielding and Chris Koehler, you guys were awesomesauce, and I had a really good time. 

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