To the big, furry, black, scary arachnid that walked across my wall today:
Dear Spider:
I must be honest–if you hadn’t shown up in the middle of my 3rd period for the first time they were on task all fucking year, I might not have been quite as vicious. As it was, you freaked out five six-foot plus bundles of hormonally enhanced testosterone, and it took me forever to get my class back. I’m afraid I took insuring your demise a bit personally.
In short, I’m glad you’re dead.
Sincerely,
Ms. Lane, Room G113
To the colleague who seemed to think that killing spiders was against my creed:
Dear Mr. Trick
Were I Wiccan, I would have to concede that the creed ‘An it harm none’ would have been violated by the demise of the furry, eight-legged nightmare that freaked out my 3rd period class. But I’m not Wiccan, I’m Pagan, which means I can worship at the feet of whatever god I choose. Today, it was the holy idol of Arachnid Whoopass. Good ol’ A.W. did me proud, and that fucker is now fodder for the vacuum cleaner, cannyagimmehallelujia?
Amen.
Sincerely,
Ms. Lane, Room G113
To the value-depreciated husk of electronics formerly known as my DVD/VCR player:
Dear Worthless Piece of Shit:
I don’t like to get ugly about this, but hear me, and hear me now: If you don’t play the very next dvd I shove down your useless, pathetic, cheap-assed, craptastical maw, I will personally insure that the next big-scary-furry-arachnid that should cross the threshold of my den of education shall be BEATEN INTO THE GROUND WITH YOUR UGLY METAL CORPSE! Now get with the program and work, motherfucker, or I’m serious, the jig is fucking up!
I mean that.
Sincerely,
Ms. Lane, Room G113
(Heh heh heh… go ahead. Ask me how my day went. I dare you!)
Oh good!
Amy, love, how’d your day go?
Never let it be said I was faint of heart… *snicker*
Sounds like you need to put your feet up and indulge in some fiber love!
Bwahahahahahahah. Thanks for this. I desperately needed a good laugh.
I won’t tell you about the beetle infestation we’re having right now. But they aren’t eating my wool so it’s almost an improvement. How pitiful is that?
Just repeat after me——“the school year is almost over….. the school year is almost over…….”
Hey, at least you didn’t have your *boss* cowering at the arachnid, and shrieking like a little girl that you get rid of it… Big strong man that he was…
Dear Ms. Lane,
I’ve quit working in protest of your treatment of spiders. If you re-evaluate your attitude, then I’ll consider playing your Sponge-Bob video for the billizath time.
Sincerely,
“To the value-depreciated husk of electronics formerly known as my DVD/VCR player”
Hope it gets better. Today is Friday Eve.
Will you write a letter to my dishwasher for me? I’m so used to being a psychiatric social worker that i can’t write good threatening letters anymore!
Is this like tarantula big or is this like leg-span-would-cover-a quarter big? Geeze, cowboy up, you sissies! Thank God at least one person in the classroom had some balls.