Okay– I’ll admit it.
I don’t like to ask for help. I think it sort of stems from parents who weren’t great at responding– I remember feeling stupid a lot, and like if I didn’t have it nailed down I was hyper-deficient in all things. I was one of those kids who got flustered easily–and I still sort of loathe asking for favors. I’ve overtipped a lot of servers because ordering the whatever caught on fire that day was my problem and let a lot of car servicemen intimidate me, because somehow choosing a Dodge Caravan and having a broken air conditioner had to be my fault, and not being able to fix that was a moral failing.
I know I try really hard not to put my kids in that position. They ask me for help, for advice, for guidance, and I don’t shame them for feeling overwhelmed or fucking up or whatever. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I have completely fucked up entirely when I have to ask. Yeah– double standards are a bitch.
Anyway– today, after having my schedule floating around in my head for… well, six years? Yeah– six years I’ve been writing and setting my own schedule and keeping it *points at head* all up here, and today I finally lost it. The stress of writing one book for four months–and worrying about that book paying off and worrying about my other projects and worrying about when my stuff is coming out and promoting it etc, and I hyperventilated on my agent.
She made me start a google.doc schedule, which, I know, for some people they’re like, “Uh… so what? Use it all the time?”
I’m like, “I don’t know if I can get into this schedule again. It scares me. And what do I do with it once I have it?”
But for some reason, it makes me feel better, and I’m going to go with that. Help, I has asked for it. The response has been, “Okay, sweetie, maybe we don’t keep this all in your head. that’s a start.”
Anyway– I did that, then went and got the kids, then came back and needed some zen. I mean, serious comfort brain food.
I broke out the boys.
These are two newer videos with two of my favorite songs, and I give them to you. Because they made me happy and for no other thematically connective reason than that.
But if you want to catch Amy being slightly wittier and a little more coherent– do check THIS BLOG OUT, because it’s about me and beet porridge, and hopefully mildly amusing!